All Experiences Are Opportunities for Growth
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A couple of weeks ago I finished re-reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Every time I read this book, I find it even more beautiful, and I always internalize something different and deeper.
The book is about Santiago’s journey from Spain to Egypt and how each event gives him a specific experience necessary for the next stage of his journey. Many of the events are ‘bad’ – he loses his money several times, he is beaten, cheated, etc. But, in hindsight, they were absolutely necessary for his growth.
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Carl Gustav Jung, Swiss psychiatrist
Popular belief has us convinced that nobody learns from someone else’s experience. I would argue that we can train ourselves to at least wonder what the lesson is.
A few years ago, one of my friends was going through a rough patch. Things at work were not optimal, the relationship with her family was challenging, and all that stress was starting to impact her health.
As her close friend, sometimes I was a heart with ears, others a sounding board, and a brainstorm partner more than once. Through her experience I got to know things about myself that I would not have otherwise discovered. This was another source of information, like having multiple books and articles when writing a professional or scientific paper.
When it was my turn to go through a rough patch, I remembered how she handled hers. I copied some of the ‘best practices’ and did my best to avoid the unproductive reactions.
Many times, we feel impotent when someone we love is going through challenging times.
Some of us enter into problem-solving mode right away. Understandably so, we want to remove the pain, and regain control of a situation that is outside of our control.
Others decide to remain outside the circle of ‘bad luck’ but still want to provide some consolation. So, they use cliches such as ‘you will get through this, you are one of the strongest people I know.’ ‘You are a goddess, I love you.’ ‘This is God’s will, and He is in control, keep your faith.’ I am already rolling my eyes.
Sometimes I think one of the reasons people do not reach out to their friends and family in their time of need is to avoid hearing these cliches that are well-intended and also empty and shallow.
How do we help someone else see the gift and opportunity in the situation they are facing?
First, we seek to understand where the person is. Not everyone is ready at a specific moment to start seeing the growth and opportunity. Sometimes people just want or need to vent. To let it out, hopefully in a safe space.
My role in that situation is to provide that psychological safety without judgment, without trying to fix anything, and without resorting to the cliches I mentioned before.
I also bring my honesty. If the situation sucks, it sucks. Why call it something different to soften the blow? I try my best to not add to the fire and go down the spiral of teaming up with my friend and judging the people involved and/or the situation.
If the person is in a different place and there may be a tiny opening, we can try other tools to allow them to discover the growth opportunity.
Notice that I used the word discover rather than show. What I see as opportunities for growth may not be what the other person sees. Because we have different perspectives and are at different phases of our life journey, what I need or am ready to learn may not be what the other person needs or is ready to learn.
This is how it works
Let us say that Sandy is not happy at work.
I could ask her ‘when you think about going back to work on Monday, what comes to mind?’. Sandy may say ‘Argh! Going to that place again! I do not want to see John; I can’t deal!’
I frequently use the body as a barometer to describe the feelings a specific situation brings. My next question would be ‘when you think about going back to work on Monday and you think about potentially seeing John there, what do you feel in your body?’
Sandy may say ‘I get stressed out. I feel something tightening my chest, my body temperature rises, my heart beats faster.’
Physical sensations tend to be easier to describe than emotions. This, in turn, makes it simple for someone to explain how the situation and his or her thoughts about it impact him or her.
My next question is, then, ‘what do you do when you think about potentially seeing John at work and you feel stressed out?’
She may say ‘I am constantly in the lookout; once I sense he is nearby I hide in the restroom.’
At that moment, Sandy starts connecting her actions with her perspective (what she thinks about the situation).
Deep breath. It is time to channel our inner Ross and pivot!
Once Sandy is more calm, I ask her to imagine a different, empowering, anabolic, or sage thought even if she does not believe it at the moment.
Sandy could say ‘I like going to the office because my friend Karen also works there, and we work together on some cool projects’.
Now we are onto something.
‘What do you feel in your body when you think about Karen and the projects you are working on?’
Sandy may say ‘I feel happy. I smile, I am relaxed and energized at the same time. She makes me laugh.’ (Sandy may even start smiling).
‘So, when you think about the projects you are working on with Karen and you feel both relaxed and energized, what action would you take – or not take?’
Sandy may say ‘I can stop being in the lookout for John; I won’t let him ruin a good day.’
Mic drop!
One more thing before you go
Everything in life is an experience we need because we will use that lesson now or later for something else. We may not like it and that is fine. The less we resist it the sooner we will find the golden nuggets, process it, and continue our journey.
While we are going through the challenge and even afterwards when we are lying on the proverbial ground dirty, bloodied, and satisfied to have given it our all, we may not see the lesson. We may not see it for days, weeks, months, or even years.
The lesson may be for someone close to us, and we needed to provide the example. It does not matter. If we are paying attention to the signs, we will come to understand what they mean to us for the specific stage in life we are in.
In the process of growing and learning from our own experiences, let us pay attention to the experience of those close to us. We can be a conduit to help them find the opportunity for growth in their hour of need.
How did a challenging situation help you grow? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.