How to Be Assertive: A Guide to Effective Communication and Empathy
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When someone tells you ‘You have to be more assertive!’, what comes to mind?
Before I began exploring emotional intelligence, the term “assertiveness” conjured an image of a nagging, whining, and/or aggressive person… like Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory.
I did not perceive being assertive as a positive and necessary trait of self-expression. As a result, I shied away from properly expressing my needs, certain emotions, or standing up for my beliefs, especially if they were not shared by the rest of the tribe.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe. In the book The EQ Edge, Doctors Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book indicate three basic components of assertiveness as the ability to 1) express feelings; 2) express thoughts and beliefs openly; and 3) stand up for personal rights, while at the same time being sensitive to the needs of others and their responses.
This is completely different than the understanding I had before. Assertiveness does not mean nagging, whining, or aggression.
Assertiveness is the healthy middle ground between passivity (not expressing our needs or beliefs) and aggression (bullying to get what we want). Like other emotional intelligence skills, assertiveness can be learned.
A key element of assertiveness is that we consider the other person’s emotions. The beauty of it is that we can be assertive using what feels authentic to us – there is not only one way of being assertive.
What are the benefits of being assertive?
Being able to express our emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and needs in a way that considers the other person’s feelings could be very liberating. It puts us in the driver’s seat of a situation. We cannot guarantee the result but if we stay passive, we would be missing many wonderful things. And if we use aggression we will be left alone very quickly.
Think about it this way: We love helping other people, it makes us feel great about ourselves. When we express our desires, we put the other person in a much better position to help us. Win-win.
I now think about being assertive as a way to negotiate a win-win outcome because all parties involved, including me, will obtain what is most important to them.
Even in non-debatable situations, like conveying new company directives, assertiveness ensures clear, direct, and unambiguous communication while respecting others’ emotions.
How do I know if I am assertive?
If you can answer ‘always’ or ‘almost always’ to these statements, then you have high assertiveness:
- I say ‘no’ when I need to.
- I am assertive without being offensive.
- When I disagree with someone, I say so.
- I am firm and direct when necessary.
- I stand up for what I believe in.
- I tell people what I think.
And if you can answer ‘never’ or ‘almost never’ to this statement, then you have high assertiveness:
- I back down even when I know I am right.
How can I be more assertive?
Assertiveness begins with awareness of our thoughts and feelings, followed by constructive emotional expression.
Empathy is another vital aspect of assertiveness, considering others’ feelings while expressing our own.
I find that preparing in advance also helps especially if the conversation is a sensitive one.
Think about when you have to conduct a performance review conversation with someone who has multiple areas of improvement. You want to convey a clear message, so the person knows what he or she needs to work on to improve. At the same time, you want to be mindful of their thoughts and emotions, so you focus on the behavior and not the person – e.g., ‘the presentation had multiple errors, which was perceived as low-quality work’ vs. ‘you are careless’.
“To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.” Edith Eva Eger, psychologist, author, and Holocaust survivor
One more thing before you go
Being assertive does not mean being a nagger, whiner, or aggressive. We can express our thoughts, feelings, and needs kindly and with empathy.
To accomplish our goals and address emotional needs, we must communicate our thoughts, needs, emotions, and beliefs to others. This makes it easier for everyone to help and support each other.
As adults we know that not everything will be perfect or ideal. Clarity helps us better navigate and adjust to any circumstance.
As leaders, we often must communicate decisions and give direction to our team. Being assertive, instead of passive or aggressive, is beneficial. Most people appreciate clear guidance and knowing the rules of the game, while being respected and appreciated.
How do you demonstrate assertiveness? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.