How To Become A Better Teacher And Student Of Life
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A couple of weeks ago, I hosted brunch for a group of friends. At some point in the conversation, we talked about our jobs and careers. One of my friends said that she did not know why but she was not excited about her new job.
As if an invisible orchestra director had given us the queue, we each took turns to ask her thought provoking questions – What do you like about the job? How is the relationship with your peers, team, and manager? What part of the job is boring? By the way, what home project are you working on?
When my friend heard the last question, her face lit up. The pace of her words became more animated, her body leaned forward, and she had a big smile on her face. She joked about her apartment looking like a construction site.
We, and most importantly she, had the answer as to why she was not enjoying her new job. The answer to the question of ‘what do I want to do next?’ became crystal clear for her.
“The purpose of a relationship is to remember more of who we are… in ‘relation’ to another.” Bruce D. Schneider, author
How many times have you said ‘I don’t know’ today? I don’t know what I want to eat. I don’t know if this is the right job for me. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Are you starting to hear the whining or is it just me?
‘I don’t know’ is so pervasive that it has become a filler word. In many cases, it is our default response every time someone asks us a question. Or we say things such as ‘I don’t know if this is what you mean, but…’, or ‘I don’t know, let me see what I can find out.’
‘I don’t know‘ has two definitions: a) not having specific information or knowledge – e.g., I don’t know how to write code; b) a way to express disagreement or doubt. It is the latter that we tend to use the most.
Each of us has an infinite source of wisdom and knowledge that we sadly hide behind ‘I don’t know’. We constantly doubt ourselves and our capacity to accomplish our goals. At the same time, we have plenty of evidence to show that we are capable of amazing things. Think about going through several years of education, marriage, parenthood, career… and here we are in one piece.
How did we figure things out? How did we acquire the knowledge to strike through ‘I don’t know’ from certain aspects of our life? Through. Other. People.
“Every person we meet is our teacher and student.” iPEC Core Principle
Every person coming into our life has a specific mission: they teach us something and they learn something from us. This is true of people we interact with in real life as well as of people we do not know personally like authors, speakers, public figures, etc.
When we come into someone else’s life we both teach them something and learn something from them.
This is what happened with my friend. Through the conversation and questions from other people, she learned something new and each of us taught her something. I learned something as well during that interaction – to notice and point to the change in her demeanor (body language, tone of voice, facial expression).
We attract people into our lives for a season, a lifetime, or even a few hours, and always for a two-way learning experience. They constantly add something to our life journey. At a minimum we would learn something about ourselves, especially if we have high self-awareness.
“Our inner wisdom is persistent, but quiet. It will always whisper, but it will never stop knocking at your door.” Vironika Tugaleva, author
How can we become better teachers for others as well as better students?
1) Respect
Each of us has infinite inner wisdom so we want to respect that in the other person.
When we make dismissive comments such as ‘You’re too young to know what life is’ or ‘There’s nothing you can do about that’ we are discounting the other person’s ability to access their knowledge.
The fact that we have a number of experiences or have read a number of pages about a specific topic does not mean that we have all the answers, and that the other person has nothing to contribute. How many times has the intern asked a question seeking to understand something that has made senior leaders stop on their tracks?
If you are transmitting knowledge, do it from the perspective of sharing vs. imposing – ‘This is what has been proven or studied so far’, ‘I tried this method, and these were the results’.
In the few instances when something must be done following specific steps, let the other person know the reasons why we cannot yet deviate from the established process.
Let people know the potential outcomes of their actions based on your experience or established rules. For example, when mentoring a junior member of the team on how to get ready for a presentation, you may tell her to anticipate and prepare for as many questions as possible. Otherwise, there is a risk of coming out of the meeting without a decision.
2) Curiosity
I love asking questions. This is one of the reasons why coaching was such a natural next career for me.
The beauty of curiosity is that it goes both ways – we can be curious about other people and about ourselves.
To help others come up with their answers or to create awareness, ask them questions such as ‘what have you tried in the past?’ or ‘what would you do if you had nothing to lose?’
It was through the questions we asked that we helped my friend identify the source of her dissatisfaction with her current job and a potential next and more satisfying career for her.
3) Focus on the process and not the outcome
Many of us love giving advice and we may get hurt if the other person decides not to follow it. The irony is that we did not adhere to all the advice we received either. We ignored our parents, friends, bosses, and we traced our own path.
We can agree that the journey has much more value than the outcome. The process of getting a promotion teaches us more about our company, skills, influencing others, etc. than actually getting the promotion.
That is why it is difficult for me to ‘see the losses’ in my life. Do not get me wrong: many journeys suck big time. Every moment of it feels like walking unprotected in extreme temperatures. We would do anything to remove or at least numb the pain.
But when we are on the other side, for the most part, we end up being grateful for the seventh circle of hell we just traversed.
If the other person follows your advice or not is not relevant. The fact that you shared your knowledge as one of many ways to address a specific situation guarantees that the information will trigger something in the recipient which will make them access their inner wisdom.
“6+3=9 so does 5+4. The way we do things is not always the only way to do them. Let us respect other people’s way of thinking.” Unknown
Words matter so let us start removing the filler ‘I don’t know’ from our vocabulary. We can replace it with straight forward thoughts. Today I am having a salad for lunch. I feel excited about the job I applied to; I want to know more. I want to be happy while I am on this planet; music makes me happy; how can I do more of that?
The way we approach life, execute certain activities even in our areas of ‘expertise’, or judge certain things as good or bad are one of millions of perspectives. Imposing ‘our way’ is limiting to all involved. We miss what others may teach us and we stifle innovation. Frank Sinatra said, ‘I did it my way’ and not ‘do it my way’.
Gather courage and curiosity to ask thought provoking questions and draw wisdom from ourselves and others. What would you/I do if I had nothing to lose? What is holding you/me back? What are you/am I willing to do (or sacrifice) to achieve your/my goal?
How are you a teacher and a student with each person you meet? Please let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.