How to Change Others’ Perception of You: Insights and Practical Steps
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Have you tried changing something about yourself only to discover that despite your best efforts your colleagues or family members still perceive you in the same way? Isn’t it frustrating to invest so much time and energy in developing a new behavior or skill, only to find that it doesn’t resonate with others?
Many of us can relate to the following scenario: We receive the results of a 360 assessment. Our colleagues think we are smart, they like working with us, and they think we are a strong leader. However, most of them coincide that we should listen to the team more. We are stunned. Our first thought is “All I do all day every day is listen to these people. What else do they want from me?”
Here is where the rubber hits the road: Perception is reality. Regardless of how much effort we believe we are making if others are not perceiving the intended behavior, it is as if we are not doing it at all.
“There is no truth. There is only perception.” Gustave Flaubert, French novelist
According to Marshall Goldsmith in his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, changing others’ perception of us and our behavior is more challenging than changing the behavior itself. We need to get 100% better to get 10% credit from our coworkers, he concludes. Ouch!
This is due to something called cognitive dissonance, the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.
So, are we doomed to continuously try and only get a slight shift in others’ perception of us? Not at all. Marshall Goldsmith suggests that openly communicating our efforts to change significantly increases the likelihood of improving others’ perceptions of us. Start campaigning for yourself.
“There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” Aldous Huxley, English writer and philosopher
I can sense some of you squirming in your seats as you contemplate the idea of broadcasting your efforts.
Yes, you must tell people that you are trying to change. And not once, not twice, not thrice. As many times as necessary to shift others’ perceptions of you.
The beauty of this approach lies in its simplicity: we are merely keeping others informed about the work we are doing to improve our behavior.
Here is something else that Marshall Goldsmith explains in his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There: When we actively seek input from those whose opinions matter to us, the likelihood of changing their perception significantly increases. They start to pay attention to see if we are acting on their suggestions. They are now part of the solution and, to a certain extent, are walking the path with us.
So how do we go about managing perceptions in the workplace in a way that is authentic to us?
1) Apologize and seek their support
Using the example of not being a good listener, gather your team and let them know that you heard the feedback. Tell them that you are sorry you made them feel as if their ideas did not matter (that was not your intention), and that you will try your best to become a great listener.
Enlist them to help you. You could ask them, “What does an amazing listener look like to you?” Or “If you were in my shoes, where would you start to learn this skill?”
When they answer, the only words you are allowed to say are “thank you.”
2) Consistently communicate your efforts
Incorporate a daily routine to mention what you are working on and what you are doing to improve. Even better if you say it to one of your stakeholders. It can be casually in passing, in a team meeting, or in 1:1 conversations with your manager or direct reports.
In the listening skill example, you could mention to a colleague “Hey, Trish, I have been trying your suggestion of using a signal to indicate active listening. I think it’s working.”
3) Continue seeking guidance
Ask for a new tip or perspective every one or two weeks to maintain momentum in your improvement journey. This will also have the additional benefit of giving you a potential topic of conversation as you look into increasing your network. And you will also have information for the daily mention of what you are doing to improve.
For example, during a meet-and-greet with a new colleague, after exchanging pleasantries and career information, consider asking “I am working on improving my listening skills. What works best for you?”
4) Think marathon, not sprint
It took you several years to create the reputation you have now, including your shortcomings such as not being a good listener.
Your long-term goal is to upgrade both the specific area of improvement and the perception others have of that behavior until it is no longer a priority.
Create short term measures and even games to keep yourself motivated. If spreadsheets and reports are your thing, you can create a dashboard to track your progress. Or recruit an accountability partner.
Most importantly, prioritize consistency over perfection. If you missed a day or a week, restart. We all fall off the wagon; the brave dusts off, climbs back on, and continues.
“Perception precedes reality.” Andy Warhol, American artist, film director, and producer
One more thing before you go
It is possible to change how others perceive us, but it requires consistent effort over time.
Investing time and energy into improving our skills and behaviors, as well as actively promoting these changes, yields long-term benefits.
If we want to use our improved self for the good of others, we must update their perception as well. Otherwise, they will continue to perceive outdated versions of ourselves, and our improvement efforts would have been in vain.
Using the example of becoming a better listener, why did you decide to take the feedback and improve this skill and behavior? What is your ultimate purpose? Perhaps you want to connect deeper with your team, friends, and/or family members. Or you want to become a better leader so you can increase your scope of influence. To realize your ultimate purpose people must see and perceive your improved skills and behavior.
Apologize for your shortcomings, ask for help, share your improvement journey, and prioritize consistency over perfection.
How do you plan to communicate your progress? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.