How to Develop Empathy: A Guide to Cultivating Emotional Understanding
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A few years ago, the company I was working for at the time launched a framework to encourage certain leadership traits among all employees: adaptability, boldness, collaboration, curiosity, determination, and empathy.
When I saw the last one, empathy, I panicked. Throughout my life, I had convinced myself that I lacked empathy simply because I was not sentimental, I did not cry at movies, and I had no patience for people who frequently complained or found excuses to not live their best life.
The senior leadership at the organization was strongly driving this framework. So, challenge accepted! I was determined to overcome my perceived deficiency in empathy even if it killed me. Thus began my journey to acquire empathy.
I began by educating myself on the concept. The first rule to conquer anything is to remove the unknown – the root of all fear.
The first thing I learned was that empathy was a skill and that it could be learned. Oh, the beautiful sound of relief…!
What is empathy?
Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.
In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown writes empathy is connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience. Empathy is connecting to the feeling under the experience, not the experience itself. Empathy is a vulnerable choice, because if I were to choose to connect with you through empathy, I would have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. Empathy is the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness – not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.
According to Daniel Goleman, author of the book Emotional Intelligence, there are three types of empathy.
- Cognitive empathy – the ability to understand another person’s perspective. People are required to think about feelings instead of experiencing them.
- Emotional empathy – the ability to sense what someone else feels.
- Empathic concern – the ability to anticipate what another person needs from you.
To my surprise, I was already quite good at cognitive empathy – I was a natural at understanding thoughts and perspectives! One down, two to go.
Emotional empathy, however, required more effort. I had to pay attention to tone of voice, body language, and words to sense what the other person was feeling. Equally important, if not more, I had to dig inside for a similar emotion in myself to appropriately show empathy.
I understood then why so many people, me included, resort to clichés when faced with discomfort and vulnerability. It is easier to say something generic than to search inside us to bring an emotion to resonate with the other person’s feelings.
“Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.” Barack Obama, President of the United States from 2009 to 2017
In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown suggests five empathy skills.
- To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking
- To be nonjudgmental
- To understand another person’s feelings
- To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings
- Mindfulness
Here are some suggestions on how to develop empathy.
1) Become an amazing listener
When we listen to others with our entire body – ears, eyes, heart – something magical happens. We create a stronger connection, we make the other person feel included and normal, while temporarily setting aside judgment.
Take note of subtle shifts in tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language, as well as the type of words the other person uses. Are they smiling? Do they convey enthusiasm? Are their words pessimistic or hopeful?
Summarize and reflect in your own words what you understood. You do not have to agree with what is being said or proposed. You are seeking to comprehend.
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Epictetus, Greek Stoic philosopher
2) Be nonjudgmental
This is one of the most challenging things to do. Our brains are wired to constantly judge ourselves, others, and situations to determine what is a threat and what is safe.
To reduce our tendency to judge, we must first recognize when we are doing it. I kept a judgment journal for a few days, and it was enlightening. While this exercise does not eliminate judgment entirely, it increases our awareness of the people and situations we tend to judge most frequently, empowering us to move past judgment more quickly.
Another powerful tool is validation – acknowledging the other person’s perspective without imposing our own judgments of right or wrong. We can appreciate that a person’s reaction is normal based on their values, background, and personality. Stressors vary from person to person, and we all want to be heard and not feel ridiculous, absurd, or irrelevant.
For example, I may find presenting to an audience routine and stress-free. For my colleague, it may be an incredible source of anxiety and he would rather die. His reaction, from his perspective, is completely normal and understandable.
“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa, Albanian-Indian Catholic nun and missionary
3) Shift from being the knower to being the learner
An essential aspect of empathy is seeing the world as others see it. Each of us has a set of unique lenses or perspectives we use to see the world based on our experiences, beliefs, and influences from those around us.
It is impossible to remove our lenses and take someone else’s to see the world as they do. What we can do is keep an open and curious mind and learn about their perspectives.
This involves asking thoughtful questions, reflecting on the information we receive, and recognizing that their viewpoint is not better or worse than ours; it is simply different.
“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” Jesse Jackson, American Baptist minister, activist, and civil rights leader
4) Become fluent in emotions
I must admit I still have work to do here. It is unfortunate that many of us receive little education on emotions. Most people can identify, understand, and accept disgust, sadness, anger, enjoyment, and fear.
And even with these five we tend to confuse being mad with being scared most of the time. This interactive tool shows emotions by categories so we can go deeper into each one to learn more.
Understanding our own emotions allows us to empathize more effectively with others’ experiences and express our comprehension of their feelings.
Knowing our emotions allows us to connect to those underpinning someone else’s experience and articulate our understanding of those emotions. This, in turn, helps us identify more quickly what the other person may need from us (empathic concern).
“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another and feeling with the heart of another.” Alfred Adler, Austrian psychotherapist
One more thing before you go
Empathy is a set of skills that we can learn and apply. With practice, choosing and showing empathy will become less challenging and eventually second nature. Having been on this journey for several years, I now find it easier to consciously choose and express empathy towards others.
Each of us can demonstrate empathy in a manner authentic to ourselves. I do not consider myself overly sentimental. While I may not always experience exactly what the other person is feeling, I can employ cognitive empathy and remain curious about their needs so I can do my best to address those needs.
Showing empathy requires vulnerability as it involves delving into our own portfolio of emotions to try to understand and resonate with the other person’s feelings. This means having to unearth feelings that may be uncomfortable and/or re-live memories that we would prefer to keep locked.
Empathy allows us to connect deeper with others. Experiencing genuine empathy from another person is incredibly rewarding. It makes us feel included, normal, and accepted. It is yet another way to express love and appreciation for those around us.
What do you do to enhance your empathy skillset? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.