How to Overcome Disappointment: Tips and Strategies for Moving Forward
When I was ten years old one of my dreams was to travel to Europe and to go from country to country by train. In my imagination, I would be sitting on the train looking out the window and absorbing the idyllic landscapes of Spanish fields, the Portuguese coast, French wineries, and the Swiss Alps and lakes.
I made that dream come true at nineteen. I traveled to Europe and I went from country to country by train. Yes, the train had windows but we mostly traveled at night. The speed was much higher than my ten-year old self imagined so it was a dizzying view of whatever was outside. During the first night from Paris to Madrid on the train, I had the middle bunk immediately across the open window. I got so congested I barely remember my stay in Madrid.
Many parts of the trip were disappointing because I imagined something specific and the reality was very different.
We experience disappointment when our expectations are not met. The higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. The project we got assigned to is not as interesting. We did not resist the last piece of chocolate cake as we visualized. Coffee in hand, we realize we are out of milk that Monday morning.
I can hear you saying ‘Gertrudis, these are small things; why are we even talking about this?’ You are right. If we only had one or two disappointments every now and again, I would not be writing this article.
But we have hundreds of disappointments of all sizes every week. If unattended, they chip away our energy and our motivation. Why bother if things are not going to be what I expect?
Categories of disappointment
We have expectations of ourselves, other people, and situations or events. And wherever there are expectations there is disappointment and/or regret.
Note: the main difference between regret and disappointment is that regret is believed to be within our control (we did not get the outcome because of something we did or did not do). Disappointment is out of our control – the results were not the ones I expected in spite of what I did or did not do.
We put the highest of expectations on ourselves so we are the most disappointed with ourselves. We believe we need to start anything – a diet, a savings plan, job search, etc. – at the black belt level. Seldom we give ourselves the grace to be a true beginner.
Let us be gentle in our process. Let us free ourselves from having the right answer or knowing the exact next step. Instead, let us be curious, explore and experiment and let the results surprise us.
“When we fully accept the reality that we are imperfect human beings, prone to make mistakes and struggle, our hearts naturally begin to soften.” Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self-Compassion
When it comes to other people, the balance is even more delicate. Often, we enter a vicious cycle of expressing our expectations and needs, not receiving what we expect from others, communicate them again, not getting what we want, and so on. Instead of setting boundaries, changing our approach, or even leaving the relationship, we end up accepting mediocre ones of all kinds (with family, friends, colleagues) that pollute our pool of positive energy.
Let us free ourselves from wanting to change other people. Have you tried it lately? It is exhausting! Paradoxically, the closer the relationship the more tiresome it is to do so. We can start by having empathy, compassion, and love for that person and their journey. This does not mean that we welcome behavior that we do not want. Changing our perspective, and therefore expectations, allows us to set boundaries, let it go, or even end the relationship on a positive note instead of being full of anger, frustration, or sadness.
“If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment.” Henry David Thoreau, American naturalist, essayist, and poet
Many of us fall in (or closer to) the extremes in the “seeing the glass half full or half empty” gamut. Both groups tend to have unrealistic expectations of situations.
For example, the extreme optimists think that the presentation will be a hit and the client will sign the contract on the spot. On the opposite side of the spectrum, pessimists expect that the presentation will be a disaster, the client will walk away during, and they will lose the account forever. The reality is somewhere in the middle – the presentation takes place, it goes well, and the client leaves saying that they will think about it as they have other proposals to hear. Both pessimists and optimists are disappointed.
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire, the size of your dream, and how you handle disappointment along the way.” Robert Kiyosaki, American businessman
How can we better manage expectations?
There are two key elements required to manage expectations, and therefore disappointment: curiosity and patience.
Curiosity
Curiosity is a strong desire to know or learn something.
What if instead of expecting one specific outcome we imagine a range of potential results? Yes, we could always be surprised and therefore potentially disappointed. This is when we turn on our curiosity and exploration. The process of understanding the outcome and how to use it becomes much more exciting and interesting than the result itself.
On my journey to get to a healthy weight, I plateaued for several weeks (like everyone else). I was frustrated and disappointed – my expectation was that I would continue to lose weight consistently week after week.
If I would have expected different outcomes – to lose weight, to gain weight, or to neither lose nor gain – I would not have felt disappointment or it would have been minimal. I could have used whatever result I obtained to either continue what I was doing or modify it.
“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” Forrest Gump
Patience
The second component is patience, the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
The long-term view of life holds the truth that there is an underlying pattern and connection to all things that exist and occur.
It takes time to understand, learn, and experience the process of life. We lose hope and purpose because we focus on wanting to understand now, to have answers now, to have results now.
Every event and person come to our life to teach us something. When we are ready, we will realize those lessons and add them to our toolbox.
2020 was the year, among other things, of constant disappointment. Nothing was as we expected especially at the beginning when it became apparent that the lockdown was going to last more than a couple of weeks. People passed away untimely. Technology failed many times in the middle of an important meeting. Those who initially thought ‘awesome, more time with the family’ quickly realized that quality is much more important than quantity.
My daily goal is to exercise patience by trusting the process – whatever is happening in my life is because I need it for something in the future. Or because it is part of a bigger plan and it will take me down a path I would not have considered otherwise.
This video illustrates the payoff of patience. It was part of a campaign in Germany to encourage young people to stay at home during the pandemic.
“The Universe makes sense.” iPEC Foundational Principle
One more thing before you go
All of us have expectations. This is normal, and I am not suggesting that we remove them. On the contrary. Visualizing the finish line gives us direction and motivation. At the same time there are multiple situations, people, and events that will come into our life uninvited. If we hold on to that one path to that one finish line, we will suffer.
Instead, we want to welcome those uninvited guests with curiosity. What will they bring and say? What will I learn? Some of them will be so frightening, overwhelming, or damn difficult that we will feel as if the world is ending. Spoiler alert: those are our greatest teachers. They make us dig deep (really deep) inside ourselves for that last reserve of strength (we didn’t know we still had) to take the next step, and then the next, and yet one more.
Curiosity and patience are key elements to overcome disappointment. There is a proverb in Spanish that roughly translated means there is no evil that lasts a hundred years nor a body that can endure it.
The months following the lockdown in 2020 seemed eternal. Here we are three years later with lessons we would not have learned otherwise. Grateful for the turns and twists we made, for the people we met along the way.
Expected and unexpected results are (or can be converted into) a gift and opportunity.
How do you manage expectations? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.