Lead by Example: How Actions Speak Louder Than Words
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How do I lead by example? I found this question in an article from the Harvard Business Review a couple of months ago and since then I have been trying to answer it with clear, specific examples.
Humans learn by imitating others. This is how we learn to speak, walk, eat, and understand what is considered “nice” or “naughty.” And the more we admire a specific person, the more we want to do what they do.
I am sure many of us can recall being told to stop doing something because our younger siblings wanted to do the same and it was “dangerous” for them. It can be frustrating, right? From an early age, we had to lead by example.
Leading by example means that a leader’s actions establish standards for others to follow.
A few years ago, I had a demanding job, and I chose to approach it with intense dedication. I worked over sixty hours per week, responded to emails at odd hours, and seemed to be hooked to a coffee IV drip. My team, especially my direct reports, began showing similar behaviors. Repeatedly I told them that they did not have to respond to emails out of normal working hours. They could disconnect from or leave work at a decent hour. I said all those things and did none. As the head of the group, my influence extended to at least twenty individuals (those officially on my team). If I wanted them to have a better quality of life, I needed to lead by example and align my actions with my words.
“Not the cry, but the flight of a wild duck, leads the flock to fly and follow.” Chinese Proverb
All of us are leaders. At a minimum we are leading our own lives. We also lead our families, others at work (officially or unofficially), groups of friends, community, etc.
Mahatma Gandhi famously said “be the change you wish to see in the world.” So, the next time you find yourself complaining about how disengaged, overworked, or mediocre your team is, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself, “What am I doing that is allowing my team to mentally check out? What can I do differently?”
How do I know if I am leading by example?
Start by identifying your top five values. Some examples are personal growth, gratitude, physical fitness, financial freedom, fun, etc. Then, look at your calendar and confirm how much time you spend on those values.
If physical fitness is among your top five values, it would be expected that you follow an exercise routine of some kind. Maybe you hike on the weekends, go to the gym regularly, or train for marathons.
Ask the question “how am I leading by example?” to your direct reports, family members, people in your community. Listen attentively to their responses without preparing any defensive arguments. Your goal is to identify both alignment and misalignment. The only thing you are allowed to say at the end of that conversation is “thank you.” Okay, you can add “I appreciate your candor.”
“The world is changed by your example not your opinion.” Paulo Coelho, Brazilian lyricist and novelist
How can I come back to integrity?
Integrity is the state of alignment between our actions, values, goals, and words.
We are always leading by example even when there is a disconnect between what we say and what we do. But what do we want our shadow to cast? An example of integrity or an example of contradiction?
When you look across all aspects of your life – career, finances, relationships, health, spirituality, etc. – you will find that you have integrity and incompleteness. For instance, you may be leading by example aligned to your values in your career but not in your finances.
Choose one area of your life to tackle. I know you want to fix everything right away, but this takes time and energy. It is like making a U-turn with a 1500-foot tanker. Then, do a gap analysis between how you are spending your time and the values and goals associated with that area of your life.
Identifying the misalignments will allow us to set the appropriate actions to course correct and come back to integrity.
“Never separate the life you live from the words you speak.” Paul Wellstone, American academic, author, and politician
A real-life example
One of my clients, Tiffany, wanted to demonstrate integrity in her relationships, specifically within her immediate family – her husband and their two kids.
I asked Tiffany to describe what her ideal future state looked like. She mentioned having date night at least once a week with her husband, being fully present at family dinners, and doing something fun with both kids together and with each one individually at least once per month.
This sounded both great and daunting to her. She and her husband had demanding careers, and the kids had school and extracurricular activities. When she looked at her calendar and listed her daily activities, she realized that not many were aligned with spending quality time together as a family.
A doable first step in the following seven days was to prioritize family dinner. Tiffany committed to preparing conversation starters so the family could discuss topics other than just their to-do list.
This was an important and achievable first step. Tiffany continued to make other changes. She and her husband started to have date nights once every other month. As the kids became more independent, they increased that frequency to once every six weeks.
Becoming aware of the inconsistency between her values and her actions made a huge difference. Tiffany is not looking for perfection (okay, she is but she is learning to move away from it). The important thing is that her steps, even if small, are closing the gap between her values and her actions.
One more thing before you go
Humans learn through imitation – “monkey sees, monkey does.” Many people look up to us, including colleagues, kids, friends, family members, and even strangers. At the same time, we look up to others as well. This is how we gain cues about appropriate behavior in different situations.
When we are the “new kid” at work, school, neighborhood, country, we observe the “locals” to understand what behaviors are considered acceptable.
People need to see what is possible to know that it is possible. When I was a girl, I wanted to be a teacher. I was committed – I had a blackboard and chalk in my bedroom. My younger cousins still remember playing school with me. Where did that come from? Both my parents were university professors.
When we lead with an attitude of abundance, possibility, and optimism, we play a crucial role in breaking unproductive or destructive cycles within our families, workplaces, and communities. Although it may feel at times that no one is noticing, listening, or caring, there is always someone who is, even if we cannot perceive it.
How are you leading by example? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.