Remove Success and Failure from Your Vocabulary
Don’t have time to read the entire post now? Watch this video with the summary.
In one of the Friends Thanksgiving episodes, Rachel, who knows next to nothing about cooking, decides that she will make the dessert and chooses to make a traditional English trifle. This is a multi-layer dessert with cream, lady fingers, etc. The dessert looks beautiful, and Rachel is proud of her accomplishment.
Unfortunately, she mixed up two recipes and ended up putting beef sautéed with peas and onions in the trifle. She found it strange, but it was an English dessert after all, and they are famous for confusing food names like mince pie.
Who thinks the dessert was a success? Who thinks the dessert was a failure? Rachel and Joey thought that it was successful. Phoebe did not try it since she is a vegetarian. The rest of the guests thought it was a complete failure. By the way, you can see that scene in this video.
The point here is clear. Success and failure are in the eye of the beholder. They are two sides of the same coin. Unfortunately, success is seen as positive and failure as negative and are only based on results (not the process). In truth, neither can exist without the other or without a goal or an expectation that will serve as the comparison point.
“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” Napoleon Hill
When pursuing anything in life, we want to focus on the process. The results are part of the feedback loop that informs us on what path to follow, what modifications to make, etc.
My favorite definition of success comes from John Maxwell. He defines it as knowing your purpose in life, growing to reach your maximum potential, and sowing seeds that benefit others.
Nowhere in that definition he mentions how much money we are making, where we live, how high we are in the organization, or how many followers we have on Instagram. Notice also that there is no comparison with others. The ‘competition’ is with our potential.
External rewards like money, position, etc. are side effects of the choices we make in life. They are important to a certain extent as long as they give us an additional motivation for us to go the extra step, to put in those additional ten minutes, or to allow others to coach or help us.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all.” J.K. Rowling
As we close 2021 and enter into 2022, let us start changing our perspective on success and failure. We can even eliminate these words from our vocabulary (for the most part). We want to remove the judgment that one is bad, and the other is good. In truth, neither is good nor bad. They are information that we can use to course correct or to continue on the chosen path.
I tend to use the words expectations and progress instead of success or failure. How am I doing in this goal vs. what I initially expected? What do I need to modify? Am I learning, sowing seeds for others, using my maximum potential? How aligned or not am I with my overall purpose?
Here are some considerations to move away from the traditional polarization of the words success and failure.
1) Shift your focus from outward to inward
I was recently reminded of the wheel of fortune that tells us that sometimes we are up in the world and sometimes we are down (based on external markers such as money, title, position).
When we focus inward, we look at joy, purpose, relationships, health, and spirituality or faith as the markers that matter to us. They will remain regardless of where we are in life.
2) Embrace experimentation
This has been the most difficult and most enjoyable aspect of my process to stop comparing myself with others and with the traditional view of success.
Being perfect all the time is unattainable, exhausting, and emotionally draining. Perfectionism comes from a place of insecurity and scarcity and is not healthy.
When we experiment, we allow ourselves to be surprised, to be curious, to wonder, and to draw from a number of experiences to create different combinations.
3) Enjoy the journey as well as the destination
At the moment, I am living through the most unstructured period in my adult life, and I confess that I am somewhat anxious about it.
Gradually I am focusing on the process, what I want to learn for the next stage, how I want to interact with other people, and the modifications I can make. All these components are part of the journey.
The joy we experience when we arrive at our destination is directly proportional to the struggles, chiseling, and learning process we experience in the journey.
“You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.” Richard Branson
Mastery is the name of the game. It is a way of thinking and acting, a journey you experience, not a destination or end result. Mastery means giving the best you have to become the best you can be at what is most important to you, usually aligned with your purpose.
We want to reach our maximum potential at a given time. Once we attain it, the maximum line moves further. The comparison is with our own capabilities, not with someone else’s journey, experience, or results.
As you think about your goals for 2022 and beyond, focus on what you want to master, what habits you want to create. You can set initial expected results to help you decide what modifications you will make.
The time of the pandemic showed us that we have a purpose beyond obtaining external rewards, that we can fulfill our potential, and sow seeds to benefit others.
What is your definition of success and failure? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.