Three Fears That Makes Us Feel Guilty For Taking Time Off
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As the summer holiday approaches, many of us have planned time off. Kids will be out of school in a couple of months, the weather is getting warmer, and days are longer. It is the time to go to the beach, mountain, camping, another city and spend quality time with the important people in our lives.
And what do we do in between activities during our time off? We catch up with our work email or connect to the ‘one important meeting’. This creates an unintended ripple effect: we do not truly disconnect, the young ones in our tribe will emulate this behavior when they are older, and the tacit message we give people at work is ‘I expect you to be available during your vacation’.
I hear my clients and colleagues complain or worry because they feel they cannot take the time they need to rest and recover without feeling guilty. There are some who plainly refuse to take time off because there is too much to do, their function or team will crumble without them, or they think their boss will say no. And of course, there is the fear of missing out.
Regardless of the vast quantity of research on the advantages of resting and on the detrimental effects of stress to our health, we still think that we are super humans immune to it.
We believe we are the only ones who can hold our team together. That without us things will not work. We catastrophize. If I do not respond to this email in the next 10 minutes, I will lose my job and my reputation.
I have noticed three distinct fears that get in the way of disconnecting, resting, and recovering, which includes spending quality time with people important to us.
1) We are afraid of becoming irrelevant
My client Catarina brought the very valid question of ‘if my team can do most of the work without my help and my input, then what is my value?’ The fear of becoming irrelevant, not needed, is very real, especially for people who consider themselves givers.
We want to support our team members, be there for them, transfer all our knowledge in the form of answers and guidance. Plus, some of us love to give advice.
The paradox is that to grow in our careers we want to develop other leaders. To do so, we want to let people figure out how to achieve the goal or results.
The best managers I had were those that set the expectations and let me produce a plan on how to get there. This allowed me to learn and be where I am today.
Trust your team and colleagues. People will figure things out. If there is a true emergency (you may want to define what constitutes an emergency) and you happen to be the only one who knows the answer, they will call you.
An added benefit is taking advantage of having a diverse team. People will surprise you with their ingenuity, a key component of high performing teams.
2) We fear ‘losing everything’
In practical terms the fear of ‘losing everything’ means losing our jobs (i.e., source of income and the things we have because of it) and reputation (i.e., I will not get another job as good as the one I have now).
Our need of the tribe’s leader protection, which in our primal brain equals survival, kicks in. That is why we tend to emulate the behaviors of the leaders in our organization. And people junior to us, do the same. Monkey sees, monkey does.
Think about your last performance review or feedback conversation at work. Did your boss or other colleagues criticize you for not responding an email as soon as it hit your inbox or for not logging in when you were on vacation? If the answer is yes, you may want to spend some time contemplating if you are in the right environment for you.
Now, think about how you got the job you have. If you got this one, it means you are perfectly capable of getting another one. People transition to other roles, companies, and even industries all the time. Why would you not be able to do the same?
If you want to feel more in control, set yourself up now when you do not need it. Start by organizing your finances and your professional portfolio (resume, LinkedIn, network, etc.). This way, if you happen to lose your job for whatever reason, you will be ahead of the game to secure another one.
3) We fear missing out
The greatest disadvantage of ease of communication today is that our minds believe that we must be appraised of absolutely everything. We must be on the know of the play by play of what is happening in the world, with our favorite sports team, colleagues, industry, etc.
The reality is that we will miss things because it is not sustainable to be aware of everything all the time. Being focused works much better and lowers the stress levels.
Many of us fall into the trap of high stress, working crazy hours, and the whole chaos that comes with that. And when we want to be on top of absolutely everything, the tacit message we send our team, colleagues, and family members is ‘I do not trust in your ability to figure things out or to produce high quality results’. Ouch!
Our bodies and mind need air (literally and figuratively) and renewal. That could take the form of therapy, coaching, and taking time off like vacation or a sabbatical. Unfortunately, when we do not allow ourselves to breathe, the scream for help may come in the form of an illness forcing us to stop in our tracks and take time off to recover.
“As you grow older, you learn a few things. One of them is to actually take the time you’ve allotted for vacation.” John Battelle, American entrepreneur
Most of the events in our lives have ‘perceived’ stress. If you find yourself in a dark alley and a stranger is approaching, your brain will send the ‘respond to stress’ command to your body and you will run fast and far.
If you are working on a project and the deadline is approaching and you think not finishing the project is bad, the brain will send the same command in response to stress. In other words, you let your brain know that a stranger in a dark alley produces the same stress as approaching project deadline.
Take a deep breath and think about these two situations as objectively and calmly as you can. Scenario one, stranger in dark alley, could truly threaten your life. Missing a project deadline would not (hopefully) kill you.
“To get away from one’s working environment is, in a sense, to get away from one’s self; and this is often the chief advantage of travel and change.” Charles Horton Cooley, American sociologist
Disconnecting from work and the world outside of us will feel awkward at the beginning. It feels like withdrawal syndrome. I started to practice with putting my cell phone in airplane mode for a few hours on Sundays. The first time I did it, I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. The time could not go fast enough.
By now, I am down to 0.5% of guilt, withdrawal, and stress for disconnecting when I need it – weekends, holidays, vacation, thinking time, etc. So far, no catastrophes have happened because of that. My performance has not decreased – on the contrary, I am producing high value, high quality outcomes.
There are moments of higher intensity when several projects are happening in parallel. What works for me is to shift priorities temporarily and/or combine activities. For example, I may need an extra hour during the day so I could temporarily combine walking and meditating instead of doing them separately.
Becoming aware of our fears lessen their power. Once we see them in the face, we realize they are not that powerful, and we find ways to overcome them.
It is a win-win-win. We get the rest and recovery we need. People important to us get our undivided attention. We set an example for others in and out of work. Our productivity, the quality of our work, and the collective output of our team increase.
What is your biggest fear when it comes to disconnecting especially from work? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.