To Genuinely Listen And Connect With Others, Follow These Four Tips
Don’t have time to read the entire post now? Watch this video with the summary.
‘Repeat back to me what I just explained’ was one of my mom’s favorite requests when I was growing up. Her intentions were good; she wanted to confirm both of us were on the same page. As I became a teenager and a young adult, naturally, I found the request borderline offensive. I could understand Math and Science so of course I understood the weekend coordination of who was taking whom to various places.
Fast forward twenty years and I am reading the results of a 360 evaluation at work. In the qualitative section of ‘what Gertrudis does well’ more than one person said that they liked the fact that I repeated back their message to them to confirm that I understood. Plop! (Thanks, mom).
My mom’s behavior had conditioned me to offer the reflection without being asked, which turned out to be a superpower (who knew?!) and a key element in active and intuitive listening.
Listening goes beyond hearing the words someone else is saying. At its deepest level it includes what people are not saying or what is being said in between the lines. It is the tone of voice – how they change it, or not. The body language – are they leaning forward or pulling back? Their facial expression – are they smiling or frowning? The choice of words – did they say ‘dad’ or ‘father’?
Based on my experience, feedback from others, my training as a coach, and articles/books I read, I found these four actions to be key in improving our listening skills.
1) Set an intention
This is a technique I started to use more in the last few weeks especially before meetings. Often, my role at a specific meeting is clear. At times, that is not the case but I am still required in the conversation.
Setting an intention – to increase knowledge, to strengthen relationships, to collaborate, to advise, etc. – provides clarity and removes the mind chatter of ‘what am I doing here when I have other things to do?’ It also gives me a chance to imagine and prepare in advance possible scenarios and how I will react to them.
For example, in a 1:1 meeting with someone on my team, my intention is to be curious and have an open mind to listen to their ideas and challenges. How do I prepare myself to receive candid and unfiltered feedback? How do I stop myself from justifying the current situation vs. saying ‘thank you for bringing this to my attention’?
“Energy flows where intention goes.” Unknown
2) Acknowledge
This is the correct terminology for what I learned to do with my mother: to repeat back what I heard to confirm we are all on the same page. When I realized what it was, I thought ‘I’ve been doing this for more than 30 years so I think by now I can call myself an expert in this skill’.
A word of caution: we want to reflect our understanding, not repeat word for word what the person said as if we were reading a transcript from court.
Acknowledging shows that we are present during the conversation, paying attention, and that we care about the other person and what he or she is saying. If I am looking to confirm understanding is because I care. Otherwise, why bother?
This is what acknowledging looks like
Jane: My boss keeps messaging me with questions and tasks all day. It is distracting and I fall behind on my BAU work. When I finally manage to finish it, she comes back with more questions and corrections on it.
Tessa: Let me see if I understand: it seems that the relationship with your boss is overwhelming and it may feel as if she is micromanaging you. Is that accurate?
“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” Unknown
3) Validate
We all want to be heard and not feel ridiculous, absurd, or irrelevant. One of the best things we can do as listeners, is to let the other person know that their feelings are normal – for them. It does not matter if their feelings are typical to us or not.
An immediate byproduct of validating is that it removes judgment. We may not understand personally what the other person is feeling. On the other hand, we can appreciate that it is a natural reaction based on their values, background, and personality. No judgment. Their response is neither good nor bad; it just is.
At the end of the day, many sources of stress are in the eye of the beholder. I may find presenting to an audience completely normal, but an absolute ‘end of the world’ event for someone else.
This is how validating looks like
Diana: I can’t believe I was passed over for a promotion. Again! It is frustrating to work this hard and not be recognized.
Susan: You have worked so many intense hours this past year. It’s completely normal that you are now irritated you didn’t get the promotion!
“When we listen, we hear someone into existence.” Laurie Buchanan, Author
4) Be present
This behavior is what makes the other aspects of listening possible. Without being present we would not think about setting an intention. We would not have enough information to acknowledge and validate the other person.
This means no multi-tasking even if you are on the phone or decided to turn off your camera. If you are in the middle of something and you choose to take the call, or the person connects to your line a minute earlier, ask them to hold, so you can finish writing that last sentence in the email. In exchange, they will have your full attention.
If it is not possible to have the time and mental space, either reschedule the meeting or re-prioritize. Otherwise, you may not complete the task at hand and may damage the relationship in the process.
Mobile devices are ubiquitous and sadly many of us pay more attention to the ‘1s and 0s’ than to the real person in front of us. When I am meeting with friends, family, or colleagues I bring the present of my presence (yes, pun intended) so I leave my phone behind at my desk or put it inside my purse. If I am expecting a call or need to set an alarm, I let them know.
“Always hold fast to the present. Every situation, indeed every moment, is of infinite value, for it is the representative of a whole eternity.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, poet
One more thing before you go
The good news is that listening skills, with practice, can be developed and mastered. I invite you to pick one to try this week and see what happens. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel – like speaking a foreign language: we put in a lot of effort to construct the first sentences and with time and practice it becomes easier.
Active and intuitive listening deeply connects us with other people. With intuitive listening we listen to the other person with our entire body, not only with our ears and brain. As a result, we can naturally show empathy, which in turn, generates trust, two essential elements in strong relationships.
Your presence and that deep sense of connection are the best gifts you can bestow upon others. The duration of the gift is not the most important thing. Five solid minutes of full presence and connection are worth more than two hours of perfunctory conversation where you are only halfway present.
What tips do you have to improve listening skills? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.