How To Assume Positive Intent
Many companies have incorporated the value of ‘assume positive intent’ in an effort to increase collaboration, create stronger partnerships, and to have higher inclusion.
When I first got the communication that my company was focusing on the value of ‘assume positive intent’, my first thought was ‘this is so obvious; why is there a company memo on this?’. I was so wrong!
In her book Dare to Lead, Brene Brown defines the value of ‘assume positive intent’ as “extending the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others”. Easier said than done.
We all deal with difficult people or people we do not like. It is very hard (almost impossible) to assume positive intent for everybody. How come we can apply the positive intent discipline to some people and not others?
Because each of us has a set of beliefs, perspectives, and experiences that shape how we see everything in life including the interaction with other people. In addition, our inner blocks make it very difficult for us to assume positive intent in relationships.
“Assume the best intent in others around you. You will often be right, and even when you’re not, people can rise to your view of them. Not always, but enough to be worth it.” Sally Krawcheck
Limiting Beliefs
These are beliefs we have about the world, other people, situations, and life in general. This block may support stereotypes of certain groups being lazy, aggressive, or disengaged. Common limiting beliefs include ‘millennials need constant validation or feedback’, ‘older people are afraid of technology’, ‘women are not assertive enough’, etc.
As a first step to assume positive intent in relationships, we want to think about people as individuals who are trying their best with what they have. Unless we are dealing with psycho or sociopaths, nobody wakes up every morning saying ‘how can I make people’s lives more difficult today?’
Interpretations
Interpretation is the meaning we create about an event, situation, or experience. We devise a quick story based on our convictions and past experiences and believe that our story is true.
For example, your colleague from another department comes and asks you for a specific report that you distribute on a monthly basis. One possible story we may create is ‘they are lazy, they came to me because it is easier to ask me for the report instead of them looking for it in their inbox.’
When this happens, I ask myself, ‘what else may be going on?’ In this example, maybe my colleague was not on the distribution list, or they are against a deadline and truly do not have the time to see if they have the report in their inbox. I would send the report, tell them about the delivery schedule, and ask if they need to be included on the distribution list.
Assumptions
Assumption is a belief that because something happened in the past, it is automatically going to happen again. This one is a dangerous one when it comes to assuming positive intent in relationships because we can now present a case to ourselves with evidence of a past mishap.
Let us use the previous example. The following month our colleague asks for the report again even after we have included them on the distribution list. Now, ‘we know’ this person is lazy, we have ‘evidence’.
This is when I think about the person as if they were a 5-year old learning how to read. How many times does that kid ask how to pronounce the same word over and over? We do not get angry or assume this kid is lazy or stupid. We patiently respond time and again until they get it correctly.
The reality is that we are all overwhelmed with tons of information. If we do not pay attention almost everything that happens at work can be very frustrating. It is very possible that we will need to gently remind our colleague that they are now in the distribution list, that we sent the report on X date, and ask them to confirm if they received it. It may take more than one try until they get it.
Inner Critic or Gremlin
This is the most powerful of all inner blocks. A gremlin is the little voice in our head, the one that tells us not to try, never to take a risk, always to take the safe road, and to compromise our life by playing small. The message is we are not enough.
All blocks are about us rather than the other person. And the gremlin is the most evident because it is the voice in our head that activates to protect us.
When other people push our buttons, many times the gremlin is activated.
Using the prior example, our colleague asks for the same report once more. And now our frustration goes through the roof. We cannot stand this person any longer. Our button has been officially pushed.
Here is the interesting part: our colleague is acting in exactly the same way. We are the ones reacting. How come? It is possible that our inner critic got activated saying something like ‘you are not efficient enough. Once more you failed to send them the report.’
This is when we need to take a deep breath and ask ourselves ‘what is going on with me? How come their behavior pushes my button?’
“Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different.” Indra Nooyi, prior CEO of Pepsico
Applying the positive intent discipline with the tools we described takes practice. A lot of practice. Experiment with them and see how they feel and fit with your own preferences. Know that many days you will have to take really deep breaths and maybe even a walk.
Life is much better when we operate with the understanding that everyone is doing the best they can. Hey, we are doing the best we can and, as awesome as we are, we may be annoying some of our colleagues as well.
How do you go about assuming positive intent? Please, let us know in the comments. You can write in English, Spanish, Portuguese or French.
My mission is to help women transform their inner voice from critic to champion, so they can confidently realize and fulfill their potential achieving what they want most for themselves, their families, communities, organizations, and teams.