How to Brag Without Being a Jerk
One of the most difficult things for many of us is to talk about ourselves. Some of us endure (vs. be excited about) the ‘tell me about yourself’ job interview question. At best we have a rehearsed answer (that sounds rehearsed), and at worst we get embarrassed and gloss over it quickly so we can move on.
This reluctance to tell others about our experiences and aspirations makes it very difficult for other people to help us.
My theory is that self-promotion is counterproductive to self-preservation. When we tell others about our accomplishments, we are noticed, we are different from the rest of the tribe. Or the tribe ostracizes us for wanting to be “more than.” Standing out or being expelled from the tribe means death.
In the face of imminent danger our brain deploys our judge with the message of ‘who do you think you are?!’ or ‘you’re joking, right? You are not good enough to do (or to have done) all of that!’ If we let it, our judge will put us back in “our place” and we end up uttering a very boring response to ‘so, what do you do?’.
In the book The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn by Peggy Klaus she talks about how to self-promote using our own voice. The #IamRemarkable workshop teaches participants skills to self-promote in a way that feels authentic to them.
Why should I even bother learning this?
If you are a woman or part of an underrepresented group in your country (i.e., you are not part of the majority), pay attention. If you decide to not self-promote, key decision makers will not know who you are and the value you bring to the table resulting in you not getting that next job, a more interesting project, or a bigger role.
What do I mean by that? You and your colleague John are peers, high performers, and with similar levels of seniority. There is one opening in your group at the next higher level. John has been self-promoting – he frequently updates the boss on the projects he is working on, how he has overcome challenges, etc. He also keeps the boss’ peers apprised of his progress, and reminds them frequently of his expertise. John is a good guy. You like him. He does not fit the stereotype of a “bragger.” You admire how smoothly he conveys his message. He does not steal credit either. He gives credit where credit is due and he has complimented you in front of others many times.
You, on the other hand, are letting “the work speak for itself”. When others compliment you, the same way John does, you do not elaborate. On the contrary, you diminish the compliment, so people have stopped doing it.
When the time comes for your boss to submit a candidate for promotion, who do you think she will have fresh in her mind?
If you are an entrepreneur, it is the same thing. To attract clients, suppliers, even people to work at your company, it is important to convey your achievements, experience, skills, etc.
The consequences of keeping yourself in the shadows include continuing to have diversity gaps, not having power or influence to make the changes you want to see in the world (or at least in your department), and missing the financial benefits that usually comes with higher positions.
OK, I got it. So how do I do it without sounding like a jerk?
I am glad you asked. It turns out that it is possible to brag without fitting the stereotype of a bragger or without being needy.
There are three principles to keep in mind.
The first one is “it’s not bragging if it’s based on facts.”
If you made the presentation deck, updated content, created a process, etc. say so. People will not know just by looking at you. You can give credit where credit is due, but do not sell yourself short.
The second principle is just because something is easy for me to do, it does not mean it is easy for everyone else. This is where we tend to diminish our accomplishments. It was ‘easy’ so it must not be valuable or important, right? Wrong!
My friend Camille is the ultimate social butterfly. She knows everyone! Creating relationships is very natural to her. People will go out of their way to help her. She has this beautiful power to influence others without hierarchical authority. Because it is easy for her, she does not even talk about it when she is interviewing for jobs. Until I told her how much I admired her social skills. When she saw her superpower from my perspective she finally understood that just because it came easy to her it did not mean it came easy to others.
The third principle is if you find yourself and your accomplishments interesting and exciting, others will too. I have a hard time applying this one. I always think that I am the only one who finds my activities interesting. So I do not talk about them because I do not want to bore other people. Well, I will bore them for sure if I tell them my job title or recite my resume.
When people tell me what they do and what they have accomplished since the last time we talked, I get curious. I want to know more. I remind myself that others may feel the same way when it is my turn to brag.
Now, let’s practice
Next time someone asks you ‘so, what do you do?’, take a deep breath and remember you are not being tortured – you can give more than your first name and rank.
For example, you can tell the other person how you ended up doing what you do.
A couple of months ago, I met a woman through a friend in common. I asked her ‘so, what do you do?’ and she told me ‘I am a hairstylist and I own a beauty parlor.’ Pretty standard response. Being the curious person I am, I asked her ‘how long have you been doing that?’ And then she told me the story of how she grew up in her mom’s salon.
If I had not asked her a follow up question I would have never known her story. Let’s replay that scenario.
Me: So, what do you do?
Her: I am a hairstylist and I own a beauty parlor. (With a big smile) It was my destiny. I have been around hair since I can remember. I grew up in my mom’s salon. As soon as I was able to walk and talk, I would help her and the other stylists. I loved seeing the clients’ big smiles when they left. Being part of that transformation gives me a lot of satisfaction.
Me: That’s amazing! You know what? Please, text me your info; we have offices in your city and I will tell my colleagues about your salon.
Boom! My new friend just got another distribution channel and potential new clients.
As you read this example, how did it feel? Did you think she was a “bragger”, or did she come out as authentic and passionate?
Here is another example
I mentor at an organization called StreetWise Partners. Part of the curriculum is that the trainees have to create their elevator pitch to use in professional networking and job interviews.
My mentee and I were working on his. And it was just the same old content. I am so and so, I am a junior at X, I am interested in getting into Investment Banking. It was so boring, both of us were falling asleep.
I decided to dig deeper and asked him about his experience outside of classwork – clubs at college and high school, hobbies, languages, etc. This is when I found out that he graduated from an aviation high school so in addition to the high school diploma he was certified to repair certain plane engines. At eighteen! Now, we are talking!
I encouraged him (OK, made him) include that as part of his elevator pitch. When we were practicing with others in session, another mentor – surprised by this unique combination of skills – connected him with a managing director at his company responsible for Investment Banking for the aviation industry group.
One more thing before you go
It is possible to talk about ourselves without being the stereotypical bragger or needy. We can do it in a way that feels authentic and using our own voice and style.
When we tell our story, like the one from the salon owner, our voice gets excited, our eyes shine, we smile. This energy is contagious, making the listener enthusiastic.
If we do not tell people about our accomplishments and expertise, we make it quite difficult for them to help us get our next job, new clients, or connect us with other professionals.
Let’s make it easy for other people to help us so they can get that nice, cozy feeling we all experience when we extend a helping hand.
We all have wonderful gifts to bestow upon the world. Whether is a knack for keeping things neat and organized, gathering the troops toward a common goal, or creating a compelling vision people will follow.
Start crafting how you will tell your story authentically and using your voice. Speak from the heart. Practice with anyone, even with strangers. The more you do it, the less awkward it will feel.
Peggy Klaus’ book The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn is excellent. It is easy to read and has tons of practical examples.
Stop putting your lit candle under the table as it only partially illuminates the room. Instead put your candle on top of the table to light up the entire room. The world needs your talent, ideas, and influence.
What makes you resist bragging? Please, let us know in the comments.
Sources: The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn by Peggy Klaus; #IamRemarkable
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.