How to Improve Impulse Control: Strategies for Managing Emotions and Reacting Thoughtfully
If you prefer audiovisual content, you can watch the video and subscribe to my channel.
When you put a pot of water on the stove and cover it, what happens once the water starts boiling? The steam builds up pressure inside, pushing against the lid and sometimes causing water to spill or the lid to displace. But when we remove the lid or move it slightly to let the steam escape, there is no mess.
Something similar happens with our emotions. One of my clients, David, wanted to work on improving his impulse control. His colleagues described him as a “hot head”, comparing him to the red character in the movie Inside Out. His low impulse control was damaging his relationships, especially at work.
In the book The EQ Edge, Doctors Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book define impulse control as “the ability to resist or delay an impulse, drive, or temptation to act. Impulse control entails avoiding rash behaviors and decision making, being composed, and able to put the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile, and irresponsible behavior.“
If you can answer never or almost never to these statements, you have high impulse control.
- I make rash decisions when I am emotional.
- I interrupt when others are speaking.
- My impulsiveness creates problems for me.
- I am impulsive.
- When I start talking, it is hard to stop.
- I tend to react hastily.
- It is difficult for me to control my impulses.
- It is hard for me to resist temptation.
Impulse control applies to emotions considered “negative” like anger, frustration, stress, or disappointment, as well as to those considered “positive” like excitement, pride, or optimism. Thankfully, impulse control can be learned and developed.
People with effective impulse control have the mental space to think before reacting. Each of us has a gap, buffer, or impulse gate between the emotions we feel and our reaction.
For some, this buffer is sufficient to allow the emotion to pass and choose an appropriate response.
For others, there is no buffer or the gate is defective and wide open, leaving no space between the emotion and the reaction. Luckily, we can all learn how to fix the gate or create the buffer.
How can we develop more effective impulse control?
1) Name the Feeling
Many of us are not fluent in the vocabulary of feelings or emotions. Like learning a new language, we can start with basic words to identify what we are experiencing. Am I sad, angry, scared, or happy? As we learn more, we can identify specific emotions like disappointment, joy, anxiety, etc.
For example, when you have to repeat something for the nth time at work or at home, are you annoyed, frustrated, or exasperated?
If you are new to this language of emotions, do not worry. Even naming the basic category (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, or enjoyment) is a solid starting point.
2) Identify the Activating Event
When we experience strong emotions, there is usually an activating event – something that occurred and resulted in us feeling sad, happy, scared, etc.
Imagine working towards a deadline and someone is late in delivering their part. You were counting on this person, and they didn’t do their part. This activating event might make you feel angry, frustrated, or disappointed resulting in less than productive behaviors.
3) Capture Your Beliefs
These are the messages we tell ourselves or the interpretation of the activating event.
In the example above, we might think “I knew this would happen; you can’t trust anybody”, “If I want something done around here, I have to do it myself” or “They did this on purpose so I look bad and they can take my job.”
4) Lawyer Up
Actively debate, dispute, and discard each belief from step 3.
Where is the objective, verifiable evidence supporting each belief? What alternative, more logical reasons are there for the activating event?
In our example, you might think “My colleague has been a great partner throughout this project”, “I did not actually know this would happen; I wonder what’s going on” or “We have talked about career interests and my colleague has no desire in doing my job.”
5) Write Down the Effects
What are the effects of debating, disputing, and/or discarding each belief? How has your perception of the activating event changed?
In the example of the missing deliverable, you might reach out to your colleague to check in. This shows empathy and prevents damaging the relationship. By creating the buffer or impulse gate, you can choose how to respond to the situation and identify the best way to obtain the final document.
If you cannot write down the effects immediately, at least think them through or say them aloud. The objective is to articulate them clearly.
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher
One More Thing Before You Go
As we practice these five steps, we create a space between the emotion and the reaction, similar to moving the lid so the steam can escape.
When we create that space, that buffer, we make decisions and take actions with awareness, becoming masters of our emotions instead of being at their mercy.
Controlling our impulses is different from suppressing our emotions. The objective is to create a space between the emotion we feel and the behavior it might drive.
These five steps may seem to take a long time especially when we want to control our impulses. When I first tried this technique, it took a while to complete each step. With practice I noticed that I could go through the process quickly. Use this tool as soon as you sense the emotion arising.
Like many things in life, the more we do it, the easier and more natural it gets and feels. The ripple effect is expansive. Our colleagues, family members, friends, and community will feel the anabolic energy we bring.
How do you increase your buffer or fix your impulse gate? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.