How To Increase Your Emotional Flexibility
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Once upon a time a giant, strong oak tree stood by a brook. Oak was a proud and vain tree. ‘Look at my big trunk and my many branches’ he said to a group of reeds standing nearby, ‘I am unbreakable. I can push back because I am strong.’ The reeds did not pay much attention to Oak’s boasting; they knew it was its nature. One day, there was a hurricane with intense winds going over 100 miles per hour. Oak in all its mighty pushed back, while the reeds bent following the direction of the wind. Suddenly, the wind redoubled in fury, and the great Oak fell, torn up by the roots next to the bending reeds. [The Oak and the Reeds, fable by Aesop]
“Better to yield when it is folly to resist, than to resist stubbornly and be destroyed.” Aesop
We have no command over most of the things that happen in our lives. We cannot control what others think of us, if it is going to rain or not on Monday morning, or if there is an accident on our way to that important meeting.
The last two years have been like bootcamp to train for the unexpected, for adapting to change, and to accept and trust the process.
By now, we have witnessed how all changes, even the painful ones, bring with them opportunities to learn, create, and/or to reshift priorities.
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Albert Einstein
In the book The EQ Edge, Doctors Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book define flexibility as the ability to adjust emotions, thoughts, and behaviors to changing situations and conditions.
One of the things I like the most about this emotional intelligence skill is that people with high flexibility can change their mind when evidence suggests they may be mistaken. This is such an important and courageous attitude considering that our knowledge is constantly evolving.
If you can answer ‘never’ or ‘almost never’ to these statements, then you have high flexibility:
- It’s difficult for me to change my opinion.
- I do not like being in unfamiliar situations.
- It’s hard for me to change my ways.
- It’s hard for me to compromise.
- I feel uneasy with last minute changes.
I am particularly sensitive to the last bullet point – I still feel uneasy with last minute changes.
Life rarely turns out as we want or expect and that is the beauty of it. Otherwise, it would be too boring. There are small, unexpected events like coming to the office Monday morning and finding out there is no coffee. And there are big, unexpected events such as becoming a refugee overnight or sudden death.
Thankfully, like many other emotional intelligence skills, flexibility can be learned. So, how can we increase ours?
1) Start with self-awareness
It is Monday morning, you have planned and prepared your week and are ready to tackle the first big rock from your list. Ten minutes into it, your boss calls you with a request for information that she needs in the next couple of hours.
In the past, this scenario upset me. The stickler in me did not have room for ‘unexpected’ requests before completing the first big rock of the week or day.
Now, I become aware of the discomfort in my body and I ask myself ‘how come I am upset with this request? It is not like Betty wakes up in the morning and thinks ‘how am I going to annoy Gertrudis today?’
The response to my question could go in different directions. Maybe I was looking forward to the task at hand because I was learning or creating something. Perhaps I am upset because I depend on other people to obtain the information I need for the last-minute request, and I am not comfortable with that. And of course, there is always the inner critic that starts yapping with its messages of not being good enough.
It is never about the unexpected event. Next time something comes up, even if small, as soon as you feel the disappointment or annoyance, ask yourself ‘how come I am feeling or reacting this way?’ Continue with this line of questioning until you get to the root cause.
2) Treat change as an experiment
Have you ever met anyone of any age who always wants to eat the same thing? I have met several ranging from 4 to 50 years old.
When I want to convince my young cousins or my friends’ kids to try a different food, I tell them that we will pretend to be food critics. The younger ones may not know what a food critic is, so I explain. The key here is that there is no pressure to like the food. Since they are going to talk about it, it does not matter if they like it or not. And I achieve what I wanted in the first place: for them to try something new.
In my journey to increase my flexibility, I am becoming more curious about myself and other people. If I need information from colleagues at work, for example, I may try a new or modified approach when requesting it. Or I may experiment with reorganizing my priorities in a new manner once an unexpected request comes in.
3) Try something new
The stickler in me likes order, habits, routines. And the hyper achiever wants to tackle as many tasks as possible in a given time. This combination does not allow for a lot of flexibility.
For this reason, I make it a point to try something new at least every month. It could be something small like the coffee of the month or season, or something more substantial like reading philosophy or learning German.
The objective is to practice adapting my thoughts and emotions to a new or modified circumstance, as well as to go outside of my comfort zone.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin
Being able to adapt to new circumstances, information, and people is now more important than ever. The current challenges we deal with are not the same ones we had ten years ago. The workforce is changing, and people are motivated by things other than money when it comes to work. New information is available every day challenging our current knowledge and understanding.
Like many things in life, we do not need to adapt to every little aspect. I focus on being flexible on what is most important to me such as my career, relationships, and health. Ordering the same coffee or sitting in the same place in the office does not make me an inflexible person.
It has been very liberating to get comfortable with changing my mind considering new evidence – or at least to question my initial assumptions.
To my surprise I found that adapting and flexing my flexibility muscles (yes, pun intended), acting like the reeds, is much easier than resisting and digging my heels like the oak. As stated in iPEC’s principle “doing is work, being is effortless.”
What do you do to become more flexible? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.