How To Overcome Perfectionism
The topic of perfectionism and how to overcome it came to me as I was reading the book Dare to Lead by Brene Brown for the second time.
I have high standards for myself and the quality of the work I produce. I am sure you do, too (or you would have chosen a different community). We also have a desire to improve on our skills, knowledge, and attitudes. All these traits are important to have as we grow personally and professionally. And these do not meet the perfectionism definition.
The way perfectionism shows up for me is in the desire to have all elements of a project ready and picture perfect before I even start. This is what I call the perfectionism and procrastination duo and, most of the time, it is based on fear. My gremlin is telling me ‘you are not ready, you are not enough’. I sometimes take my strengths of attention to detail, love for learning, and high standards into the dark side of fear.
So what causes perfectionism? For me, is that I do not want to make any mistakes. I do not want to hear criticism because it is going to activate my gremlin into saying ‘you’re not enough’. And I want to hear ‘well done’, ‘great work’, or equivalent. I want to have the gold star that would evidence approval from others. What a waste of time and energy!
In her book Dare to Lead, Brene Brown has a perfectionism definition as “a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: ‘If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.'” Brene Brown also explains how perfectionism is “more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying.”
It is a vicious circle: we strive with all our might for perfection (driven by what we think others consider perfect), there will always be someone who will find fault in what we do or in us, and we will, once more, strive for yet another measure of ‘perfection’. It is a never ending story.
As I learn more about my own fears and how I behave when I am afraid, I now can identify when I go in ‘perfectionism and procrastination’ mode based on fear instead of caution. Here are some techniques I use to overcome perfectionism.
“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.” – Michael J. Fox
1) Imagine the worst case scenario
This is where I ask myself, what am I really afraid of? That I will not know how to do this task/project/work? That I will hurt others? That I will lose my job/money/relationships?
The answer to all those questions could be ‘yes’. Depending on what we want to do, there is a risk that we may lose everything we have and hurt others in the process. Fortunately, most of the time there is an opportunity to take small steps and build up thus mitigating the risk of losing it all at once.
We may not know how to do something, and we do know how to learn something (taking a class, reading, talking to other people, etc.).
We will encounter new people all the time. Remember that we are new to them as well. There is a real possibility that we may unintentionally hurt them (this is a given in all human relationships). One of the very first things I do when I have a new working group is to ask ‘what are the top 3-5 things I should always do or never do for this relationship to work?’ That gives me tons of useful information; 9 out of 10 times I receive the same question. We both now have a solid starting point.
“When you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target.” Unknown
2) Stay in the present moment
For many of us, most of our fears live only in our heads and are fanned by the gremlin when it tells us ‘you’re not enough’.
When I feel my heart beat increasing because I go into the swirl of all the things that could go wrong, I take several deep breaths, and think of what exactly is happening now. ‘I am sitting on my chair, by my desk, I can hear the cars outside, I am by myself, the door is locked.’ None of those things are scary. Once my heart beat comes back to a normal speed, I am ready to tackle the new project.
“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” Leo Tolstoy
3) Work on the first draft
This is a technique I use to remind myself that the first attempt is seldom ever the final deliverable. I go through this every week when I write the blog posts. The first draft looks vastly different than what is published.
The same can be applied to practically everything we do. This gives us the opportunity to have several iterations that incorporate elements of what we learn, feedback from others, and additional information. This way we can start action (and not procrastinate until we know or have everything ready), build confidence, and move farther from the desire for perfection. Thus breaking the perfectionism and procrastination duo.
“The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement.” – Unknown
4) Focus on what can be controlled
We cannot be (and do not want to be) all for all. We have no control over what other people think or how they may feel. We will never be able to make everyone happy. We can control the quality of what we produce, how we interact with other people, the words we use, and how we approach life.
Because we are emotional beings with subjective views on how things should be, it is impossible to be perfect. There will always be someone who will criticize or have a hurtful comment about us or our work.
Whenever our buttons are pushed, it is usually because one or two things happen: the action goes against our top values, and/or our gremlin is activated. It is the same with other people and it is outside of our control.
“Out of perfection nothing can be made. Every process involves breaking something up.” Unknown
How does perfectionism show up for you? Are you also visited by the perfectionism and procrastination duo? What do you do to overcome perfectionism? Please, let us know in the comments. You can write in English, Spanish, Portuguese or French.
My mission is to help women transform their inner voice from critic to champion, so they can confidently realize and fulfill their potential achieving what they want most for themselves, their families, communities, organizations, and teams.