How to Solve Conflicts: A Guide to Productive Resolution
Don’t have time to read the entire post now? Watch this video with the summary.
My client Georgia recently got a new position at a different company. As part of her job, she reviews documentation as projects end to confirm risks have been mitigated and everything is in order with the proper evidence. One of those projects has been open for more than two years and Georgia found some gaps in the documentation.
She sent the recommendations to her business partners, and it was not well received. Her colleagues were borderline hostile. They felt that because she was new, she did not have enough context and did not know how hard the group had worked on that project. Georgia had the best of intentions – she wanted to make things better so all could be successful. Sounds familiar?
Georgia is an engineer. She is trained to think logically and to approach situations from the perspective of having solutions that can be implemented and that would, as best as possible, satisfy all parties involved.
In one of our sessions, Georgia was particularly frustrated. She could not get her point across, and she strongly believed that her recommendations could be implemented without jeopardizing the completion of the project. At the end of our session, Georgia decided she would meet with one of her key colleagues once more using the tool we practiced.
When we want to convince other people to change, we tend to lean into one of three strategies.
a) We appeal to their intellect by giving facts, using logic, and giving pros and cons.
b) We use their agendas and accommodate what we want with what they want.
c) We take advantage of a position of ‘high’ power and appeal to the morality or good of our ideas.
There is a fourth option, though, aligned to keeping an open mind and trusting that the other person can manage the change at hand.
“A person is a fluid process, not a fixed and static entity; a flowing river of change, not a block of solid material; a continually changing constellation of potentialities, not a fixed quantity of traits.” Carl Rogers, American psychologist
Enter motivational interviewing
Motivational interviewing is a collaborative, goal-oriented style of communication with particular attention to the language of change. It is designed to strengthen personal motivation for and commitment to a specific goal by eliciting and exploring the person’s own reasons for change within an atmosphere of acceptance and compassion.
The key words in the motivational interviewing definition are collaboration, eliciting the other person’s own reasons for change, and acceptance and compassion.
There are six skills, and four processes present in motivational interviewing.
The six skills
Motivational interviewing is a tool comprised of six key skills that, like every other skill, can be learned and enhanced with practice.
1. Open questions to draw out and explore the person’s experiences, perspectives, and ideas. My whole training as a coach is focused on enhancing this skill of asking thought-provoking, open-ended questions.
Using this type of questions makes the other person reflect and internalize possibilities for change and even to start seeing it as a gift and opportunity.
There is a beautiful exchange of information that happens when we use this skill.
2. Affirmation of strengths, efforts, and past successes creates two key things: a) it builds the other person’s hope and confidence in their own capacity; and b) it shows that we trust in their ability to manage the challenge at hand.
3. Reflections based on our understanding of what the other person is saying. We can also offer an educated guess of what is being said between the lines or what the person may be feeling based on their body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Reflection makes the person feel heard, creates empathy, and changes the emotional environment elevating the energy from catabolic to anabolic.
4. Summarizing the key points of the discussion is a valuable skill for all types of conversations. It confirms that all parties involved are on the same page, provides clarity on agreed actions and timing, and it can be an opportunity to increase empathy and connection, to make the other person feel heard.
5. Attending to the language of change helps us understand what is being said about the change at hand. Is the other person against change (sustain talk) or in favor (change talk)? As appropriate we can encourage movement from sustain talk to change talk.
6. Exchange of information is a two-way street and removes the perceived hierarchy of power during the conversation. The underlying understanding is ‘we are exchanging information; I am not telling you what to do.’
The four processes
A key aspect of a productive conversation is engagement of all parties involved. We can achieve this by finding common ground, trusting the other person’s ability to face the challenge at hand, and empathy.
The next process is focusing the conversation on the agreed agenda or goals. This is particularly important, especially when the people involved have history together. This is not the time to bring past or unrelated grievances.
The third process, and a common blind spot for many of us, is evoking the ‘why’ for the other person. When there is significant change involved, we want to stay away from judgment especially if the other person is still ambivalent.
The last part, which may or may not happen in one conversation, is planning the execution of next steps. This is where each party will articulate how they will implement the change or approach the challenge at hand.
Putting all the pieces together
Here is an illustrative example of how Georgia could use motivational interviewing to handle one or multiple conversations with her colleague. The purpose of the example is to illustrate this tool. I appreciate that the conversation may not go as smooth as the example – several emotions may come up, we may need to pause, or we may arrive at a dead end.
Georgia: Thank you so much for taking the time to discuss this document with me.
Colleague: No problem. What’s on your mind?
Georgia: I reviewed the documentation and I believe there are certain gaps that we want to address before submitting it for validation.
Colleague: We have been working for the last two years on this issue. We reviewed it with the project team, lawyers, and the Risk team. I know you are new and have questions, but we don’t have much time to make changes now. [Attending the language of change – sustain talk]
Georgia: Thank you for that additional context. To confirm we are on the same page, what is most important to you and the team regarding this issue? [Open questions]
Colleague: To close the gaps auditors found, pass validation, and move on with our lives.
Georgia: Great! I have the same objective – I want us to do our best to pass validation. Your concerns about ‘last minute’ changes in a short period are very valid. It is understandable that you and the team are weary after working on this for two years now. Would you like to hear what I have in mind?
Colleague: Do I have a choice? And what would be different to what others already provided?
Georgia: (one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi… ommmm) Yes, you do have a choice (smile). I know that you have submitted multiple projects before, you know this space like the back of your hand. And this is the reason why I am reaching out to you and not someone else – you have the expertise and the knowledge. [Affirmation of strengths…]. I sense more stress than normal. Is that accurate?
Colleague: Yes, my team is working on another project, and we are against a tight deadline.
Georgia: I see. What I can do is choose the top three items I think are most important from my list to discuss. Would that work?
Colleague: OK, let’s hear them.
Georgia: [Explained the three changes]. What are your thoughts?
Colleague: Thank you. I think one and two are easy to add and we can do so this week. For the third one, I think we need to consider… [Exchange of information]
Georgia: Awesome! So, changes 1 and 2 will be done this week. Let me confirm I understood what you said about change 3 (explain in own words). Is that accurate? [Summarizing and reflection]
Colleague: Yes
One more thing before you go
Disagreements are part of life; it is natural since no two people are the same. Different perspectives, even those in conflict with each other, help us open our minds to other possibilities.
Disagreements come in all sizes and shapes. Small ones like what to order for dinner or which kind of movie to watch tonight, are typically easy to solve. Big ones such as Rosa Parks not giving her seat on the bus could become big historical events and even change laws and society.
The rest of the disagreements falling in the middle of that spectrum will require some degree of effort to have a productive resolution.
The good news is that there are tools, like motivational interviewing, and skills we can learn and refine with practice. We can use the sage perspective to convert any disagreement into a gift and opportunity. We will know the other person better, practice our conversation tools, and set the tone and example for others around us.
Approaching people with compassion and empathy is within our control. How they are going to react or what they might think of us is out of our control.
Our focus is on the process, not the outcome. We could get the outcome by using force, power, or lawyers, which is not productive in the long run, fuels catabolic energy, and activates everyone’s saboteurs.
Regardless of what the other person may say or think, or how they may react, show compassion and empathy. These are the greatest gifts we can bestow upon others.
“If you are honest, people may deceive you. Be honest anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfishness. Be kind anyway. All the good you do today will be forgotten by others tomorrow. Do good anyway.” Fredrik Backman, Beartown
What is your approach to solve disagreements? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.