How To Transform Conflict
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When there are two or more people anywhere regardless of their background, affinity, ethnicity, relationship, there will be conflict at some point. How big or small the conflict is depends on multiple factors. Nevertheless, what is at the center of every conflict is that we see each other as being separate entities when, at the very core of our humanity, we are made of the same elements – soul, cells, atoms, ego, higher self.
The ego or mind is the part of us that creates our self-identity and classifies every human being as either being part of ‘us’ or being part of the ‘others’. This is brilliantly illustrated in the series Lost. We tend to live in the duality of right/wrong, good/bad, mine/yours, and so on. Moreover, when person A judges situation A as bad and person B judges situation A as good the initial stages of conflict start.
Our energy level (or perspective) and the core thought associated with each level significantly shape how we interact with other people.
Level 1, victim –nobody likes me
Level 2, conflict – everyone is against me
Level 3, responsibility – okay, I have to work with these people in this project; I’ll manage
Level 4, concern – how can I help you?
Level 5, reconciliation – let’s work together to come up with the best solution so we all win
Level 6, synthesis – we are intrinsically and deeply connected
Level 7, non-judgment – you are me and I am you
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespeare.
My client Grace and her team were moved under a new manager, Brad, last year. She was devastated because she really liked her current manager and did not feel particularly warm toward the new one. Grace later told me that she could not say why exactly she disliked her new boss. He had a different kind of approach, sense of humor, and level of awareness that Grace’s ego judged to be wrong, bad or ‘not my style’.
In our work together we explored several elements to create awareness and shift her perspective about the situation and person at hand.
We identified which values were being breached during her interactions with Brad. It was love (as in people and preserving the relationship is of upmost importance), one of Grace’s top values. Whenever Brad made a comment funny to him at what Grace perceived to be the expense of someone else, her value of love was impacted.
Another important aspect is to understand which message from the inner critic is triggered. For Grace, it was ‘you are not assertive enough’. To her chagrin we discovered that many times she shied away from discussing certain topics with the group because she was afraid of what people might say or think about her. It turned out that she secretly admired the fact that Brad was much bolder than she was. Grace was upset that she had not yet mastered the skills to better balance her assertiveness.
Grace’s last realization, that she was upset because she had not mastered being bolder, was eye opening and transformative. She started to see Brad from a completely different perspective. Grace had come to a place where she could start taking action to transform her relationship with her new boss.
“The outer world is a reflection of the inner world. Other people’s perception of you is a reflection of them; your response to them is an awareness of you.” Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
Conflict can escalate quickly when the people involved have not found a way to have a respectful and trusting relationship.
One of the most fascinating (to me) principles is the observer effect, the fact that by the very act of watching, the observer affects the observed reality. I have tried this multiple times with people, work, and long-lasting situations using gratitude. This forces me to see the positive in whatever (or whomever) I am observing. After a while, the observed reality changes. I cannot explain why or how. Sometimes I think it is because the observer changes as well.
I invite you to experiment. Take something or someone in your life you are not fully satisfied with now. Every day start writing one thing you are grateful for about that person or situation. Alternatively, you can note one positive characteristic about it. After a few weeks, you may start noticing that something is different even if you cannot quite put your finger on it.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” Wayne W. Dyer
Others’ traits are in us. Sometimes these are manifested in ways that resonate with us. This is what happens with people we admire. One of my favorite people is the Dalai Lama. I am deeply moved by his wisdom, compassion, and sense of humor – his laughter is also contagious. His traits are in me, too. Some are dormant, others are active, and the rest is somewhere in between.
At times, however, those others’ traits that are in us are manifested in ways that push our buttons by going against our values and/or activating our inner critic. We want to pay special attention at the exact message the inner critic tells us – what adjective is it using? That will give us a clue on what we may want for ourselves. For example, some people trigger me when they are the center of attention. The inner critic message that is activated is ‘I am not charismatic enough’. Bingo! That is the trait (charisma) I wish it was active in me.
Once we make this realization, we can decide if and how we will work to activate that specific trait. At that moment, we will start seeing the person in a completely different light.
“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” The Beatles, I Am The Walrus
How do you go about transforming conflict? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.