Setting Boundaries: A Guide to Establishing Healthy Relationships
Have you ever met people who lack any boundaries, who will please others or keep nothing to themselves even if it harms them? Or those who are impenetrable, who would never venture anything beyond “everything is fine”? Both extremes on the boundary spectrum suffer greatly because they lack the ability to form meaningful connections with others.
In the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, the author defines boundaries as expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.
Healthy boundaries are the lines that we set to delineate our physical, emotional, and mental outline – determining what is and is not acceptable for each of us.
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships enables us to maintain our emotional balance and independence while also promoting mutual respect, trust, and understanding.
The sense of comfort and safety in relationships is different for each person and in each relationship, and it is not always as apparent as we may think. What is acceptable for me may not be for you and vice versa. The boundaries I have with my parents differ from those I set with my colleagues at work.
Having healthy relationships of any kind can be challenging if our boundaries are either too permeable or too rigid, or if we fail to effectively communicate them.
I see setting and communicating boundaries as a sign of respect and love for ourselves and others. In the words of Brené Brown, clear is kind.
The boundary spectrum
The boundary spectrum ranges from permeable to rigid boundaries.
Permeable boundaries are weak, not meant to be harmful, and usually not clearly communicated. They lead us to unhealthy relationships as we feel depleted, depressed, or anxious.
Permeable boundaries often manifest as oversharing and the desire to please others, driven by a fear of not being liked. This usually comes from a place of insecurity. Our saboteurs convinced us that others would not accept us if we set “too many” boundaries.
This looks like doing things for or with other people that you really do not want to do or do not have the time to do. You go to your uncle’s wife’s grandkid’s wedding because “it’s family” and you do not even know (or care about) the bride or groom. You do not make any decisions (big or small) without consulting and getting the nod from your partner, sister, or best friend.
At the opposite end of the spectrum are rigid boundaries, those walls we build to keep other people out. Like permeable boundaries, rigid boundaries come from a place of insecurity and fear of being vulnerable. When we set rigid boundaries, we do not allow exceptions to our own rules even when it may be to our advantage to be more flexible.
Contrary to permeable boundaries, this looks like keeping everyone out even those people who bring value to our life. The moment we start feeling that things are “getting too serious” whether with a new friend or romantic partner, we sabotage that relationship. We never talk about our feelings or show any emotion. Our interactions are superficial and transactional. We create impossible expectations as an excuse to cut people out of our lives because they will never meet those standards.
Healthy boundaries are the Goldilocks of boundaries – not too permeable, not too rigid. These are possible when we remain in the present moment for as long as we can. We do not allow our past experiences to creep up and sully our current interactions. They require an awareness of our emotional, mental, and physical capacities, as well as proper communication.
This means being crystal clear about what is and is not acceptable. We share our thoughts and feelings with selected people in our lives regardless of genetic connection. We take our time to gain people’s trust as well as to trust others. Equally important we say no comfortably, kindly and without guilt (okay, maybe with just a little guilt that we process on our own). And when other people say no to us, we understand it is not personal.
Types of boundaries
In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, author Nedra Glover Tawwab identifies six types of boundaries.
Physical boundaries are your personal space (the perimeter around your body) and physical touch. To honor these boundaries let others know if you need a larger physical distance and/or your level of comfort with certain types of physical touch.
A note on personal space: personal space varies across cultures. In the Caribbean, where I grew up, people tend to be more comfortable with closer physical proximity than in the US.
Sexual boundaries are those associated with the topic of sex including sexual acts, comments, or content. These boundaries have a clear “time and place” as well as an appropriate audience. For example, my friends and I would not discuss anything related to sex when the kids are present even if they seem to be single focused on their screens.
Intellectual boundaries are your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. These boundaries have two aspects. One is being free to express a point of view about anything and being respected. The other is to know which topics are appropriate or not in a specific situation and/or with certain people.
For example, I express my thoughts in the content I produce, and you may disagree with them. The key lies in how we express our opinions and respond to each other with respect and kindness. Additionally, the topics I discuss with friends may differ from those I engage in with colleagues at work.
Emotional boundaries, like intellectual boundaries, are when and how we express our feelings and personal thoughts to others. Trust is built gradually so it is essential to exercise discretion. There are people who will tell you their entire life story before they tell you their name (I have been on the receiving end many times). That is a sign of a permeable emotional boundary. Share when it is appropriate and choose your confidants carefully.
Material boundaries involve your belongings. You decide what to share and with whom; it is your choice. All of us with siblings, especially with younger ones, know this boundary very well, and most likely have experienced a breach of our material boundaries multiple times.
You are not obligated to lend your stuff to anyone if you do not wish to do so. It is that simple. If you decide to let others use something of yours, set clear expectations. I have always been particular about lending my books. When I lent one, I would tell people (with a smile) “there is an R for return on this book.”
Last but not least, time boundaries are those associated with managing your time and how you allow others to use it. Are you the type of person who will give your precious time freely to anyone, so you end up overcommitting? Do you respond to email or messages at all hours of the day?
Before committing your time to someone else outside of expected obligations (outside of working hours), check your calendar and priorities to avoid overcommitting. If you are busy or enjoying down time, silence your phone or turn it off completely until it is convenient for you to respond.
How can we effectively communicate our boundaries?
The simplest answer is to be assertive. Assertiveness means to clearly and respectfully communicate our wants, needs, positions, and boundaries to others.
When communicating your boundaries be clear, precise, and use simple words. Express what you need and want instead of what you don’t need or don’t want. Saying “I need your help with the laundry” is more effective than “I don’t want you to work late tonight.”
Use “I” statements to express what you feel and need, rather than making accusations or blaming the other person. For example, instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” say something like, “I feel hurt when I don’t get acknowledged.”
Inevitably, there will be guilt and sadness. Because we are wired to be part of a tribe, we fear anything that may make the other person feel bad and break the relationship with us. Thankfully, these emotions are temporary; it is a matter of riding the wave.
One of the most challenging places for me to set boundaries is at work. I feel that I am responsible for managing my workload, time, and productivity. So, I hardly say “no” when more work comes my way. My fear was that if I said “no”, my boss and others would think I was incompetent, and that I did not deserve my position. That led me to work over sixty hours per week over a couple of years to keep up with the demands of the job I had at the time.
My irrational fear of not being good enough stopped me from communicating my needs and from setting healthy boundaries. This fear led to burnout, extreme dissatisfaction with my job, and unintentionally pressuring my team to follow my overworking habits. They started mimicking my behavior because, as the team leader, I set the tone.
If only I knew then what I know now… I would have asked for help to prioritize projects and tasks. I would have focused on self-care, stopped working long hours during the week, and refrained from working on weekends.
A small investment in discomfort (e.g., guilt for self-care) would have resulted in great dividends in the long term, like being more effective at work. That would be like investing $100 and getting $1000 in a year. A no brainer, right?
One more thing before you go
Boundaries play a crucial role in establishing trust within relationships. Without them we can become vulnerable to being taken advantage of, or people would not know how to treat us, making the relationship difficult or confusing. On the other hand, if our boundaries are too rigid, we risk missing out on meaningful connections with others.
Boundaries are not set in stone; they evolve as we evolve.
We can all increase our assertiveness and communicate our boundaries kindly and respectfully. Those who have healthy boundaries, and therefore healthy relationships, will honor and respect ours. Those who don’t are better kept at a distance or not in the picture at all.
How comfortable are you communicating your boundaries? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.