The Power of Positive Self-Talk: How to Unlock Your Potential
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How do you talk to or about yourself when you are alone or with other people? Are you constantly criticizing yourself even for the smallest mistakes? Or do you give yourself a pep talk, a pat on the back, or even a smile in front of the mirror (or your front camera)?
Words matter and have much more power than we think. When I tell myself “You look ridiculous in that dress”, I plant a small seed of pain, which could spiral into other things such as “I am ugly”, “I can’t do anything right”, “I’m unworthy.”
Over the past five years, I have made a conscious effort to select my words carefully—whether in self-talk or when discussing experiences with others.
Language has the power to transform our thoughts, perspective, and judgment.
This becomes particularly crucial as we assume leadership roles, be it at work, within our families, or in our communities. The language we use not only reflects our mindset but also has the potential to inspire positive change and foster healthier relationships.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napoleon Hill, American author
Words articulate and form our thoughts, perspectives, and judgment – it is a two-way street. This, in turn, dictates how we feel, and, consequently, how we behave.
For example, if I tell myself something seemingly harmless like “how could you be so clumsy? hahaha” I am not only expressing a viewpoint I hold about myself but also reinforcing the belief (and subsequent behavior) that I am clumsy.
Throughout our lives, we receive all kinds of messages that we keep reinforcing and no longer serve our growth. And then we wonder why we feel stuck. After not getting the promotion, we may tell ourselves, “I knew this would happen. I don’t have what it takes. I’ll never become head of this department.”
The self-talk we consciously or unconsciously choose can make or break what we achieve in life. Negative self-talk feeds our gremlin, minimizes our accomplishments, and keeps us in our comfort zone.
Positive self-talk, on the other hand, opens our perspective to new possibilities, decreases our fear, and motivates us to go beyond what we thought we were capable of doing or achieving.
“Watch what you tell yourself, you’re likely to believe it.” Unknown
An expression I hear often, and that I use myself more times than I am comfortable with, is “I want to do X, but I don’t know how.” “I want X, but I can’t.” Or “I am trying to achieve X, but it’s hard.” Replace X with your desires, goals, and dreams. I want to have my own business, but I can’t. I want to be promoted but I don’t know how. I am trying to lose weight but it’s hard. You get the gist.
The moment we say I can’t, I don’t know how, or I’m trying, the general trigger in the thought process is that we already gave up.
In her book The Gift Dr. Edith Eger writes trying is lying. You’re either doing it or you’re not. If you say ‘I’m trying’ you don’t actually have to do it. You let yourself off the hook. Often when we’re stuck it’s not that we don’t know what to do. It’s that we’re afraid we won’t do it well enough. And when we say, ‘I can’t’ what we’re really saying is ‘I won’t.’
“Words matter. And the words that matter most are the ones you say to yourself.” Unknown
How do we change the message from negative and limiting to positive and abundant self-talk?
1) Ask yourself, would I use that language with a friend, colleague, or family member?
If the answer is no, do not say those words to yourself either.
Imagine a scenario: you are enjoying lunch with a coworker, and they accidentally knock over a glass of water (or wine, or beer) on the table. Chances are, you would not say, “you’re so clumsy” to them. Instead, you would likely try to offer comfort, saying something like, “don’t worry, it was an accident.”
Treat yourself with the same grace and compassion.
Similarly, when your close friend calls you in tears because her significant other ended the relationship, you would not respond with “too bad. Nobody will ever love you again.”
So, why then do we often use such harsh words when we find ourselves in similar situations?
2) Stop lying to yourself
Trying is lying. The next time you become aware that you are saying “I am trying really hard at work” or “I have been trying to finish this project for the longest time”, stop and assess if you are actually doing these things or not.
If you are not doing them, become curious and ask yourself why. If you are doing them, change the language. Say “I am working hard” or “I have been working on this project for a really long time.”
3) Reclaim your power to want and to choose
Unless there is an actual, real impediment, when we say, “I can’t”, it really means “I won’t”. As adults, real obstacles are the exception and not the rule.
Gain awareness of the times you say “I can’t”. What exactly is in the way? Are you truly injured and unable to exercise, for example? Or is it a matter of not having made the decision to get off the couch and take a walk?
Another variant is when we tell ourselves “I don’t know what I want.” I am willing to bet my salary that you do know what you want, but it might be something intimidating for you and/or may not align with the expectations of certain people in your circle.
When I catch myself in this “I don’t know what I want” narrative, I pause, take a deep breath, and state what I want. In that moment, my mindset shifts from powerlessness to being in control, where I am actively choosing my actions and timing.
4) Add the word ‘yet’
The next time you catch yourself saying “I don’t know how” add the word “yet.” I want to have my own business, but I don’t know how…yet.
I have been using this technique frequently for a few years and it has completely improved my thought process, anxiety levels, and behavior. The moment I added the word “yet”, I immediately switched from a fixed mindset to a growth one.
The reality is, in most cases, we know what needs to be done, where to find information, and who to ask for guidance. By now, we have a clear understanding of our preferred learning methods – whether it is through watching videos, hands-on experience, or reading books and articles.
“The only thing that can come in your way is YOU! If you think you can, you will do it. If you think you can’t, you are right too!” – Sanchita Pandey, from the book Lessons from My Garden
One more thing before you go
We spend most of our time in our own company so what we say to ourselves matters.
Constantly berating ourselves can lead to feelings of powerlessness, frustration, or anger. But if we hear from ourselves words of inspiration and abundance, we will feel like we can conquer the world even if there is some fear.
Words have the power to uplift or destroy us. An apparently “innocent” comment like “I’m so clumsy” can unravel into a spiral that ultimately leads to “I’m unworthy.” To avoid this, it is important to catch ourselves as quickly as possible and to practice self-compassion.
With consistent practice, we can transform our self-talk from destructive to uplifting. As we make this shift, our thoughts, perspectives, feelings, and behaviors automatically follow suit. That is why self-talk is important.
I invite you to experiment with one of the suggestions in this article for a few days and observe what happens.
What other tips do you have to change your negative self-talk? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.