Transform Challenging Relationships into Productive Ones: A Step-by-Step Guide
Ahh, difficult people… What would life be without them?
One of my clients, Kira, came to session to discuss how difficult it was for her to deal with a new peer. Kira got a new job in her company and with that she now had a new partner: Lisa.
Lisa was a senior woman at the company, quite competent in her field, and because of her tenure, had invaluable institutional knowledge. But Lisa was also abrasive, overused profanity, and she sent what Kira considered nasty emails to Kira’s direct reports when any mistakes were made.
Kira wanted to be successful in her new position, protect her team from Lisa’s negativity, and have Lisa as an ally.
When our buttons are pushed it is usually because the other person goes against one of our top values and/or they trigger our inner critic or gremlin that tells us ‘you are not ____ enough.’
I asked Kira what happened for her when Lisa pushed her buttons. Kira explained that one of her top values is respect, which Lisa was evidently violating. The other realization Kira had was that Lisa reminded her of her mother who had a history of addiction and, as a result, conducted herself in an abrasive, profanity-driven manner. Mic drop!
People’s behaviors and reactions are outside of our control. An important part of transforming relationships is creating awareness about ourselves – which value I feel is being violated? What gremlin message is coming up as I interact with this person? What does this behavior and reaction remind me of?
The moment Kira realized that Lisa’s demeanor triggered something very primal in her (because of her mother’s behavior) she relaxed. Why? Because most likely Lisa did not have anything personal against Kira. Kira was using her “abusive-mother-colored glasses” to see the relationship with Lisa.
Now Kira was ready to take some steps to change her relationship with Lisa. They did not have to become besties. The goal was to create a productive and respectful relationship so they could both accomplish their goals at work.
Here are some of the suggestions Kira and I discussed as starting points.
1) Get to know the person
Kira only had a superficial view of Lisa – the persona Lisa presented when working on a specific project. And vice versa. Lisa does not know all the obstacles that Kira had to overcome to get the job at that level.
Kira and I discussed the possibility of having coffee or a meal with Lisa. If she didn’ feel comfortable with only the two of them, she could ask a third person to come along. The objective was to chat, to get to know each other beyond the confines of the project they had together.
2) Increase the number of interactions
In my experience, becoming familiar with someone, either by the depth of the conversations or by the number of interactions, makes the other person more tolerable to us. To a certain extent, we get used to them. And little by little we get to glimpse into the whole person (not only the work persona).
Kira suggested having weekly 1:1 meetings with Lisa. This way, Lisa could bring to Kira her complaints about the mistakes from Kira’s team instead of sending emails. They could both update each other on the projects on which they were working.
3) Get the scoop
Kira and I also explored asking people who are close to Lisa at work for tips for better interactions.
A word of caution: the goal of this research is not gossip or to obtain information to damage the person. The objective is to find an effective way to interact with the person, so we do not unintentionally push their buttons.
Kira and I also talked about asking Lisa ‘what are the top three things I should never do or always do for this relationship to be productive?’ Kira prepared her answer as well.
4) Become their PR person
One of the biggest fears people have at work is not being perceived as competent or successful; losing their status in the group, especially if that person had to overcome more obstacles than most.
If we present ourselves as a partner who will make them look good, we increase the odds of breaking the ice barrier.
Of course, this message of ‘my goal is for you and your team to have what you need and to be successful’ or equivalent must be repeated multiple times in multiple channels (in person, email, in meetings, etc.) until it sinks in.
All of us have tons of information in our minds so we need repetition for the message to make sense, to sink in, and to associate it with the person providing that message. If you can make it a sticky slogan even better.
One more thing before you go
We have the power to change a relationship from challenging to productive in and out of work. It is a matter of wanting to see the essence of that person before life covered it with experiences.
We want to override our brain’s default program that tells us that because someone is not part of our “tribe” they are “dangerous.” By becoming familiar with a new person and building trust, we trick our brain into flagging this person as “part of the tribe.”
Sometimes we are the challenging person. Deep breath, keep calm, and continue reading. Self-awareness is the first step to inner transformation. Pay attention to the words you use, the tone of voice, body language, what you think about yourself, other people, and situations. Practice using positive words – “I can learn” vs. “I don’t know how to do this.” Smile. Uncross your arms when you are at a meeting or gathering (unless you’re the bouncer at the door).
A few months after my engagement with Kira had ended, I received an email from her. She and Lisa had turned their relationship around. They were not besties. Instead, there was mutual respect. When Lisa had a complaint, she talked to Kira directly… and occasionally, Lisa called Kira to compliment her team. Progress!
How do you go about transforming a relationship from challenging to productive? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.