We Either Grow Or Die
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A few years ago, the company I worked for presented a new set of EQ skills they wanted all employees in the organization to learn. One of those was empathy. I panicked. I could feel the sense of failure wash over me. Being empathetic felt like an impossible task, as if you were asking me to be someone else.
At the time, I had a limited definition of what empathy was. I thought it was to be sentimental, to cry if someone else was crying, and that one was either born empathetic or not. So, I resigned myself to create a workaround for an attribute I did not have. I did not know or believe I could learn to be empathetic.
In her book Mindsets, Carol Dweck coined the terms growth and fixed mindsets.
A fixed mindset believes that our qualities are set in stone creating an urgency to prove ourselves over and over.
A growth mindset believes that our basic qualities can be cultivated through our efforts, strategies, and help from others.
Even though having a fixed mindset creates the urgency to prove ourselves, it also allows us an easy way out – aka the low-effort syndrome.
By telling myself I was not empathetic, I was giving myself a free pass to not even try to find out what empathy really was, let alone learn the skills and practice them.
One of the big aha moments for me when I read the book was that all of us have both mindsets. This makes complete sense. It would be terribly inefficient for our brain to make an effort for absolutely everything. Can you imagine how much time, effort, and energy I will have to invest if I decide to pursue Gymnastics?
The key is to use a growth mindset for the things that are important to us, those aligned with our purpose and mission in life, and that will empower us to realize and fulfill our potential.
How can we shift from fixed to growth mindset for the things that matter to us?
1) Watch out for the Low Effort Syndrome
The low-effort syndrome – or the law of the minimum effort as my mother calls it – appears when people with predominantly a fixed mindset are protecting their egos from failure and judgment.
It is a self-protection mechanism. If I do not apply for that job nobody will know I am not qualified to lead others.
The other side is that we will not try and discover our potential, what we are capable of learning, the ideas we could generate. This is a huge price to pay to protect our fragile egos.
When we take the path of least resistance for the things that matter, nobody wins. We miss the chance to learn new skills and/or insights. Our organization and team miss leaders with expertise, empathy, and charisma.
The moment you catch yourself talking yourself out of anything, take a deep breath and pause. Ask ‘what is my intention? If I decide not to pursue this, is it because I am afraid of what other people may think of me? Or is it because I prioritized something else?’
“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” – Zig Ziglar, American author
2) Change ‘can’ for ‘how’
When you are facing a new challenge – your boss asked you to lead a new project, you apply to a bigger job, you are about to become a parent for the first time – what do you ask yourself? Do you say, ‘can I do this?’ or ‘how can I do this?’
The difference is only one word but the shift in meaning is powerful and significant.
In the first example, ‘can I do this?’, we open the possibility to not being able to accomplish the goal.
In the second example, ‘how do I do this?’, we start from the premise that we are capable of achieving our goal. It is a matter of defining how we are going to do so.
Coming back to my story about empathy, I had two choices: I could continue with my fixed mindset and take the path of least resistance, or I could buckle up and shift to a growth mindset and ask myself ‘how can I become empathetic?’
“It always seems impossible until it is done.” – Nelson Mandela, former President of South Africa
3) Praise the effort
This applies to praise you give others and yourself.
When we focus on putting labels on other people or ourselves, we are unconsciously creating a fixed mindset. When we say, ‘you’re so smart!’ and do not say anything about the process, we are linking whatever activity was happening with being smart.
For example, in high school I got the label of ‘intelligent’ because I could understand Math and Science. None of my teachers and classmates ever mentioned the fact that I paid undivided attention to what was being explained, or that I talked myself through the problems to gain deep understanding.
Little by little I started to seek that positive label in other things I pursued that did not come ‘as easy’ to me as Math and Science did.
I was determined and tenacious in pursuing my goals. When things did not work, I pushed my shame deep down and out of the way (instead of processing it). My inner critic kept shouting its message of ‘you are not smart enough’ and I put noise cancelling headphones (vs. changing my inner critic’s job description). No wonder I was burnout after years of going through this cycle.
Now I use a different approach where I focus on the process, on what I can do differently, on the extra mile.
As I chose to learn about empathy, I started by reading what empathy was and the skills associated with it.
In my self-assessment, I told myself ‘Good job reading those five articles about empathy. I see that you now understand the concept and the several types of empathy.’
When providing feedback to my team, I now say things like ‘the presentation was great! I know how much time and effort you put into it; I can tell you must have created multiple versions; I really appreciate the extra mile.’
“A person who tries has an advantage over the person who wishes.” – Utibe Samuel Mbom, Nigerian author and entrepreneur
4) Choose your mindset
Our brain is designed to do the most with the least amount of energy. That is why we have the RAS to help us filter information important to us. Or why we hardly pay attention to our breathing or how our systems are working in a normal day.
If we decide to approach everything with a growth mindset all the time, we will be so diluted we will not accomplish much.
It is okay to approach certain things with a fixed mindset or to not pursue certain activities. I will not become a Gymnast; my focus is on other goals where I could use my time and energy more efficiently to create the impact I want.
I do use my time and energy to increase my empathy skills and have made progress since that time when I got the literal memo.
“Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing.” Hellen Keller, American author
Each of us can have a growth mindset and use it to discover our purpose in life, grow to reach our maximum potential, and sow seeds that benefit others. For everything else, we can use our fixed mindset. This helps us direct and focus our efforts and better use our precious time and energy.
We can shift to a growth mindset by being aware of what triggers our fixed mindset and the possibilities available to us, and by allowing ourselves to be surprised when we experiment.
We are capable of extraordinary things. Look at everything you have accomplished in the last decade, year, or even month. Some of you have started businesses that are now your main source of income. Others have started families and are bringing up amazing future citizens of the world. You have jobs today you did not know you could obtain and do well a few years ago. And the story continues.
What do you do to shift to a growth mindset for the things that matter to you? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to help underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions by creating awareness, increasing emotional intelligence, and unveiling the tools and choices available to them.