Breaking Free: How to Overcome the Prison of Perfectionism
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How much time and energy have you invested —sorry, wasted— in trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly? I have wasted so much…
Now I am done! I am exhausted… From now on, I, and everyone else, will have to be content with good enough.
In her book Dare to Lead, Brené Brown defines perfectionism as a “self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: ‘If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.'”
When I learned this definition, many things became clear. My quest for perfectionism wasn’t driven by an internal motivation to do and be the best I could. No, no, no. It was to mask the pain I felt when my gremlin told me “you’re not enough.”
In the book, Brené Brown explains how perfectionism is “more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy we spend trying.”
It is a never-ending vicious cycle: we strive with all our might for perfection (driven by what we think others consider perfect), there will always be someone who will find fault in what we do or in us, and we will, once more, strive for yet another measure of ‘perfection’.
What Causes Perfectionism?
The primary drivers of perfectionism are our desire to avoid failure or harsh judgment (including self-judgment), and the vast external pressure channeled through social media.
When we make mistakes, our judge will immediately activate with one of its multiple messages that boil down to “you’re not enough.” So, to shut him up, I want to get the gold star that shows everyone (and myself) how awesome I am. What a waste of time and energy!
For digital immigrants, like me, peer pressure was once limited to people in our real lives, and/or who knew about us through others in our real lives. Now, we find ourselves “competing” with influencers whose seemingly perfect lives send our gremlin into overdrive.
How Do I Know If I Am Going Down the Slippery Slope of Perfectionism?
One key sign for me is how I answer the question “Am I investing so much time and effort in this activity because I’m internally motivated or am I seeking someone else’s approval?”
I also gauge how afraid I am to “fail” at the activity or project at hand because it would damage my image, others would judge me harshly, etc.
Finally, is how much I am preparing and planning for a specific task or project.
I am learning to feel in my body how much in control of everything I want to be. Though I can’t yet fully describe it, I reach a point where my gut tells me, “Let go. Enough!”
How Can I Get Myself Out of the Perfectionism Rabbit Hole?
Here are four practices you can implement to overcome perfectionism.
Practice self-compassion
Because of our judge we tend to be very harsh and cruel with ourselves. We say things to ourselves we would never say aloud to someone else unless we wanted to cause real and permanent damage.
When kids are learning something new, we encourage them, and repeatedly point out what they have done right. When they make “mistakes,” we lovingly correct them, and console them when they get frustrated.
So, I started to do the same for myself. Every time I catch the judge telling me one of its many cruel messages, I stop and change the dialogue. If I were talking to my five-year old self, what would I tell her?
Use kind and encouraging words for yourself. If the results were not what you expected, take time to process the feelings, explore other alternatives, and try again.
Adopt a growth mindset
The beauty of the growth mindset is that we free ourselves from knowing everything and from the limitations that we are only good at something specific.
We now understand our learning styles. For example, if we want to learn how to bake a cake, we know there are YouTube tutorials, countless online recipes, and people in our network who can offer tips.
The first attempt may or may not meet the expectations. Both outcomes are welcomed because they will inform the next iteration, and we will have more knowledge.
Stop ruminating
When I learned about rumination in biology class, I thought it was one of the most disgusting things ever.
And yet we do it in our minds all the time. We constantly replay negative thoughts, fueling feelings of fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame. If we are not careful, we become obsessed with our flaws, spiraling into perfectionism.
If the project is delayed, we go over the never-ending list of “mistakes” we made along the way.
Ruminating is different from learning from our actions and results so we can course correct.
As we progress through the project, delays may teach us where to follow up more frequently, escalate earlier, or better gauge task completion times. We forgive ourselves, incorporate lessons learned, and try again.
Have a sense of humor
Laughter is the best medicine. There are thousands of comedians and stand-up comedy specials across many channels. If we pay attention to the content, most of them talk about serious topics like racism, marriage, breakups, inequality, addiction, or death.
When I hear my gremlin coming at me with one of its many criticisms, first I give them a high nasal voice. Then I ask, “what took you so long?!” and I say this phrase in multiple accents, attitudes, and intonations that I find funny. It diffuses the whole situation.
Laughter increases the endorphins released by our brain and helps us relax. Lighten your mental load by laughing at yourself when you make a “mistake” or when your judge strikes.
One More Thing Before You Go
We can maintain high standards without falling into perfectionism. The key is to start with ‘good enough,’ knowing you can use both expected and unexpected results to improve in the next iteration.
Perfectionism is an excuse to not take action towards our goals. If we are always and constantly trying to be perfect, we will never get anything done. Our vision board is collecting dust (or e-dust), we forgot where we wrote our goals or even what they were in the first place.
Perfectionism is exhausting! It feels like performing a character 24/7. It is so misaligned with our authentic self that we may forget who we really are: a beautiful human being with great qualities, tons of achievements, and constantly improving.
What do you do to overcome perfectionism? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.