How to Become Fearless: A Guide to Overcoming Fear
All of us are afraid of something whether is public speaking, spiders, germs, flying, being rejected or accepted… you name it! Anything in life can be scary.
The interesting thing is that not all of us are afraid of the same thing. How come? Because fear is based on what we perceive to be frightening.
The Oxford dictionary defines fear as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
In her book The Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown she defines fear as a negative, short-lasting, high alert emotion in response to a perceived threat.
Notice that both definitions clearly state that fear is caused by what is perceived or believed as a threat or danger.
Kate believes that giving that presentation in front of twenty people in her office is dangerous, while Jodie thinks is one of the most fun activities she can do at work.
Going back to our ancestors roaming in the wilderness, fear was a powerful and helpful emotion to stay alive until they, at a minimum, passed their genes to the next generation and cared for their offspring.
Unfortunately, the most ancient part of our brain still does not know the difference between a predator coming our way and the next performance review conversation with your boss. The fear reaction is almost identical.
The fact that fear is based on perception is good news. It means that we can shift our thoughts and beliefs to manage or eliminate fear.
Fear is caused by a combination of assumptions and gremlin or saboteurs.
With our assumptions we believe that because something happened in the past it will certainly occur again in the future. And our gremlin or saboteurs give us all kinds of messages with the common underlying idea that we are not good enough, that the other person is a moron, or that the situation we are in is the worst ever.
What would it be like if we were not afraid? What if we had a guarantee that no matter what happens we would win?
Our life journey consists in constantly and consistently fulfilling that guarantee (that we will win) by shifting to the sage perspective: every situation is a gift and opportunity.
Where do we start?
First, let us explore some beliefs associated with fearlessness. As you read about each one, I invite you to create awareness on what thoughts and body sensations come up.
Fear is a creation of the mind
FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. I love this! Remember that the key words in the definitions of fear are “perceived” and “belief”.
We decide what to fear and we can decide to not fear ‘it’ as well. Our judgment that certain things are ‘bad’ or that we cannot handle specific situations is what creates fear and suffering.
As we increase our sage perspective that every situation is a gift and opportunity and practice the sage powers we can decide to not be afraid in that moment.
So, where is the fear?
Judgment from others is a projection of their weaknesses
Judgment is in the eye of the beholder. We cannot control what other people will think or say about us. Their judgment of us is based on their perception of what is “good or bad”, which comes from their experience, mindset, and own inner blocks. So why worry?
When I internalized this belief, it was as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. My only regret is not having learned this earlier in my life. I would not have spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people thought of me.
It does not matter what I do or say. Some people will agree, some will not. It is what it is: neither good nor bad.
So, where is the fear?
Nothing real can be truly lost
The things that we are afraid to lose are those that traditionally people associate with ‘success’ like money, power, influence.
But success, at least in my book, does not consist in having. Success is the lifelong journey of being – in the words of John C. Maxwell, knowing our purpose in life, growing to reach our maximum potential, and sowing seeds that benefit others.
We never lose our being. We may cover it with having and doing and decide to keep it out of the light. But we know exactly where it is.
So, where is the fear?
Everything has a purpose
I know this is officially a cliché (or at least on the list to become one). Regardless of this phrase’s status, I trust the process of life and belief that every situation is the perfect one for me, for what I need to learn or overcome at any given moment.
Every outcome serves to inform us of our next steps. Every situation and person come to our lives to teach us something.
We struggle because we may not instantly realize the lessons, opportunity, or gift of the situation. Often there is a waiting period and we become impatient.
The good news is we can imagine potential gifts and opportunities from every situation in life.
So, where is the fear?
“Embracing the mystery of life allows us to live curiously.” iPEC Foundation Principle
What are some practical tips to overcome fear?
Here are some techniques to manage and remove fear. I invite you to play with them. Experiment with something small and then try it with bigger events and see how things go.
a) Explore the worst case scenario if it were to come true. How does worst case scenario look like? How would you feel? What would you do? By becoming aware of it, we can plan how to deal with it and understand that we are really safe and that we will survive it. Plus, the worst-case scenario seldom happens. It is very unlikely that you will drop dead the moment you step on the stage to give a speech.
b) Imagine a high-pressure situation and write it down in detail. As you describe it, observe what comes up in your body (your heart rate and/or body temperature may go up, you may start to sweat, etc.). Decide what abundant and empowering beliefs you will hold in that moment to allow you to release any attachment to the outcome. Keep those beliefs in mind whenever you experience pressure. Remember that your performance does not define who you are (your being).
c) Center yourself. Before entering a ‘scary’ situation, take at least three deep breaths and exhale as slowly as you can. I usually inhale for a count of four, hold it for a count of four, and exhale for a count of eight. I do this breathing exercise three or four times. It is quite simple and incredibly effective. Centering allows us to calm our mind, see the situation or person for what they really are, and by delaying or removing the physicality of fear we can take the appropriate action.
d) To overcome fear of failure or embarrassment, think about the last time you ‘failed’. Write what happened. Once you complete your account, look for the facts and decide what really took place. Remember that when other people judge us is always about them. Considering what you know now, would you have avoided that “failure”? Probably not.
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” Marie Curie, Nobel prize physicist and chemist
One more thing before you go
Fear is based on what we perceive as or believe is a threat. That is why some people are afraid of public speaking and others are not. I am sure that an arachnologist is not afraid of spiders, but I am (a little and depending on the size).
Our fears change throughout our lives. When I was younger, I was afraid of how I would be perceived if I used humor at work. I thought I would not be taken seriously and not be respected. Now, not so much.
Managing and overcoming fear is a lifelong journey. Thankfully, with time and practice it gets easier and more automatic.
I invite you to update your beliefs about fear. Imagine all the things you could do and be if you were not afraid. You may open that coffee shop for artists you have imagined ever since you were a teenager. Perhaps you would make that coffee chat appointment with that senior leader at work. You may ask for that raise that you deserve but have been too afraid to say out loud.
Picture the example you will set for others around you as you start approaching life from a place of fearlessness. When you tell your friends about your conversation with your boss for that raise, you will plant the idea in their minds and they may do the same. When your kids see that you are starting that project even though you do not have everything figured out yet, you may inspire them to do the same in class or sports.
Your true being, the key ingredient for success, will never be lost. So, where is the fear?
What are your beliefs about fear? Please, let us know in the comments.
Sources: iPEC Energy Leadership; Positive Intelligence
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.