How to Have a Fulfilling Life By Overcoming Avoidance
When it comes to unpleasant situations or people most of us prefer to avoid than confront. We become passive-aggressive and do annoying things because we do not know how to express our needs and feelings.
The funny thing is that avoiding something will not make it go away especially when the situation and/or the person are part of our life.
There is an accumulation effect that occurs as we keep avoiding. In extreme circumstances that accumulation of catabolic energy will result in dis-ease in the body and mind as well as increased stress and anxiety, which drives unhealthy behavior from binge eating to substance abuse.
In her book Atlas of the Heart Brene Brown defines avoidance as not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging around and away from that thing that already feels like it’s consuming us. It can hurt us, hurt other people, and lead to increased and mounting anxiety.
Avoiding unpleasant situations, people or emotions has consequences.
We are less present in life because we may be numbing ourselves with TV, food, or controlled substances. Amazing opportunities may go by unused because we cannot get past the discomfort. We may not build relationships with great people because we are uncapable of expressing our needs and boundaries. It is easier to cut them off.
For extreme pain like grieving, overcoming trauma or addiction, there are plenty of resources if we are willing to put in the time and energy to go through the discomfort.
Here are four tools I use when I start experiencing avoidance for the everyday situations and people in my life.
“A day can really slip by when you’re deliberately avoiding what you’re supposed to do.” Bill Watterson from There’s Treasure Everywhere
1) Experience the discomfort
I used to dread having a “difficult” conversation with a colleague, friend, or family member. The closest the person, the more anxiety I felt.
My gremlin kept telling me that my message would be too strong, that the other person would not want to see me again because I was “too difficult”, and that I would be alone forever.
Oh, what a high price I paid! Many years ago, I stopped talking to a friend of mine for almost one year because she did something that I thought was disloyal and selfish. I chose to avoid her instead of telling her my feelings about the event. At the time, I did not have the tools and I found it too difficult.
I missed an entire year of enjoying our friendship. And of course, the relationship was never the same even when I “resumed” it.
If I could go back in time, I would have told her how I felt. One of two things would have happened: she would have apologized and we would have deepened our friendship. Or she would have kept her position not understanding what she did wrong and the friendship would have cooled off. Any scenario would have been much healthier than the stress I experienced feeling frustrated and lonely. Live and learn!
Of course, there are situations when the potential reward of investing time and energy is not worth the effort such as when the disagreement is with a complete stranger.
“Sometimes, discomfort means we are on the verge of a major turning point or revelation.” Laurie E. Smith from Soul Wisdom: A Guide To Miraculous Living, Book 1
2) Cool off
When we experience an intense emotion like anger, sadness, excitement, etc. we want to wait until the intensity subsides before taking any action. One of my friends says that we should never make a decision when we are too happy, too sad, or too angry. She is right. Thankfully, this intensity does not last too long.
Once the force of the emotion has passed, reflect on what the cause was. Did the event or person go against your values? Was your gremlin triggered?
What thoughts did you have? How did they make you feel in your body? What action those thoughts and feelings motivated you to do?
For example, something happened at work, and you are feeling frustrated. At the height of the frustration, you decide to go outside for a walk for a few minutes to calm down.
Your frustration has mostly subsided and you are trying to pinpoint what triggered it. Remember that our feelings are about us.
When the event happened, your first thought was ‘if we don’t address this, it will reflect poorly on me and my team.’ Your heart was beating faster, your body temperature increased, you could feel the blood in your veins. What you did was take over and do things yourself so “they will be done properly.”
“You can’t force raging water to be calm. You have to leave it alone and let it return to its natural flow. Emotions are the same way.” Unknown
3) Be extremely honest
Center yourself, get in touch with your sage. From that space of discernment, label things for what they are without sugarcoating them.
In the previous example, you could be worried about your performance because you are currently identifying with your job/career too much. You think that poor performance means you are not good (both as a professional and as a person).
Take a deep breath. I am taking one myself.
We want to be kind and utterly honest with ourselves. To do so keep yourself in sage and do not let your saboteurs take over. We want discernment, not judgment.
By accurately identifying our thoughts we increase our awareness, which in turn allows us to change our thoughts to anabolic, empowering ones. These new thoughts would create a different body reaction resulting in purposeful action.
Following the previous example, you could change your thoughts to ‘my team and I are constantly learning; we can find a different way to address this challenge’. You may feel like a weight is lifted, there may be some excitement at the possibility of tackling a challenge. Your action could then be gathering your colleagues to brainstorm potential solutions.
“The truth may hurt, but fooling yourself will enslave you.” Charles F. Glassman from Brain Drain The Breakthrough That Will Change Your Life
4) Communicate expectations
I heard a colleague say once ‘I cannot expect me in everyone.’ True that!
Most things, if not all, are in the eye of the beholder. Each of us judges others, situations, and ourselves based on what we think is good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable, right or wrong. And our actions, for the most part, are aligned to our mindset.
And yet we expect that other people will automatically know our perspective.
As we continuously and consistently work on removing judgment, we realize how important it is to communicate our expectations, especially to the people most important to us.
Understand that this is not once and done. Many of us need to hear the message multiple times. Just because you told me once in 1995 that you do not like it when I joke about my family you cannot expect me to remember that now.
Also, keep in mind that people have the choice to meet those expectations or not. Neither is good nor bad, right nor wrong. It is what it is. Let it go.
Be mindful of not imposing “your way” on other people especially if you have power over them such as with kids, mentees, people who report to you at work, etc.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright
One more thing before you go
Our brain is programmed to avoid discomfort. We all do it – it is inevitable.
The brain does not understand that the discomfort is truly short compared to the long-term benefit. It is like going to the dentist and having a root canal. The procedure may take a few hours. The reward is that you will be pain-free for the rest of your life.
When you imagine yourself in one, five, or ten years looking back at this moment, you will always regret avoiding vs. trying. Avoiding something does not make it go away. On the contrary, it usually grows and the more we avoid it the more difficult it becomes to face it.
At the end we will always have to face it. Either at the beginning – when we feel the first signs of pain – or at the end – when we become addicted to something (food, alcohol, other substances) because the pain is unbearable.
What is something you are currently avoiding? A “challenging” conversation with someone from your team? Scheduling that follow up visit with your doctor? Visualize yourself one year from now. What would you regret looking back at this moment?
The discomfort is much much much shorter than what we think. Take a tiny first step today. Schedule the meeting with your colleague. Add the task of calling your doctor’s office to the official ‘to-do’ list with a reminder.
I invite you to experiment with the tools described in this article and minimize future regret. The reward is more fulfilling relationships, the satisfaction of doing something out of the comfort zone, and much less stress and anxiety. I prefer to say “I tried, now I know” than “what if I had done/said/tried…?”
How do you protect yourself from avoiding? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.