The Answer to All Questions Lies Within: Stop Saying ‘I Don’t Know’
Don’t have time to read the entire post now? Watch this video with the summary.
Earlier this year I became very aware of how many times per day I was saying ‘I don’t know’ and for which reasons. I noticed that I used ‘I don’t know’ as a filler expression and even worse as an excuse to not take the next step towards my goal.
Allow me to explain. Last month my boss asked me to create a document with some specific information. My immediate response was ‘I don’t know if we have all the information we need.’
You may think this is a perfectly normal response and one you may have used many times. I would agree if this were the only time I used ‘I don’t know’ in a day, week, or month.
But what am I really saying with that “innocuous” ‘I don’t know’? The subtext is that I am afraid of the task at hand. It is a new document, I do not have access to all the information my boss wants, and at the moment of the conversation I did not have a plan on how to deliver this request – after all, it was the first time I was hearing about it.
What could I have done instead? I could have asked questions to clearly understand the requirements and I could have said ‘I will look into what information is readily available, I will create a ‘mock’ document for us to review and refine.’ A quite different approach and reaction. Unlike the first response, this one is expansive, shows a growth mindset, and it increases my self-confidence.
‘I don’t know’ is pervasive in all aspects of our lives
When I started to notice how many times I said ‘I don’t know’ throughout the day, I realized I also used it to avoid difficult conversations especially with myself.
Sometimes, it is difficult to call out something for what it is. What do I mean? I will use a classic example: ‘I don’t know what I have to do to get rid of all this extra weight!’ Deep breath…
What if we changed “don’t” for “do” as in ‘I do know what I have to do to get rid of this extra weight!’?
The subtext, and what we are not telling ourselves, is that we do not want to do what it takes to lose the weight. I get it! It’s hard to wake up earlier, especially now that is getting cold, and exercise. A brownie is usually tastier than a salad. And hardest of them all is to accept that our bodies are changing, and our 20-year-old body is gone, and it will not come back…
Here is another one we use frequently: ‘I don’t know why you are so upset!’ The funny (not!) thing is that usually the person on the receiving end is someone we know well – our significant other, close friend or family member. So, it is highly likely that we do know why he or she is upset.
The subtext is that we do not want to admit that we may have created the upsetting situation in the first place. Or that we are not able to protect them from pain. It is awfully hard to say, ‘I created this hurtful situation’ or ‘I can’t take the pain away from you.’
We know more than we give ourselves credit
How many times have you talked yourself out of doing something bold because you did not have the appropriate “credentials”? I have been coaching other people for a while now, but it was not until I got that e-paper that said ‘Certified Professional Coach’ that I dared to call myself a coach.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with taking additional training, acquiring more or different knowledge, and getting certified as an expert. I read all the time. I am taking additional training in positive intelligence/mental fitness. I strive to learn something new every day.
The dark side of personal improvement and acquiring knowledge is that it may come from our saboteurs, from a place of fear and insecurity. We may use it as an excuse to not take laser-focused action toward our bold goals.
Instead, we can start where we are with what we have.
Using the weight loss example, we do not need to specialize in nutrition and fitness before taking a first step. An initial action could be setting up the SMARTER goal, going for that first brisk walk, researching other alternatives like a dance class instead of taking the traditional gym classes.
We can experiment, create a pilot, see how things work and continue with the next version. Take the brisk walk for ten minutes and see how it goes. Then you can either continue with ten minutes for a couple of weeks or immediately increase it to fifteen.
Hindsight is always 20/20
Hindsight is always 20/20. The paradox is that we need to do something to have that hindsight. In other words, if you never go for the brisk ten-minute walk, you will never have the hindsight to look at and see if it was effective for you or not.
Everyone, from CEOs, Presidents and Prime Ministers, Kings and Queens, and mere mortals, makes decisions with the information they have at the time.
What do I mean by information? Your own experience and knowledge, input from trusted advisors, which could be people you know in real life or authors/experts you follow, and the inner sage/intuition/wisdom we all have.
Once you execute the next task in the action plan, you will automatically have more information regardless of the outcome. If the result was the expected one, then you continue with the next step on that path. If, on the other hand, the result was unexpected or surprising, then you modify the next action with the added information you now have.
One more thing before you go
We have sufficient knowledge to take the immediate next step toward our bold, lofty goal that our heart desires. Keep in mind that the immediate step could be ‘talk with Sam about investments.’ You identified the right person in your network from whom you want input. Another immediate step could be ‘look for healthy meal recipes.’ You know how to start your research. Or it could be ‘create a mock of the new monthly report.’ You get the gist.
Let us stop using ‘I don’t know’ as a filler behind which we hide. Try for an hour to use ‘I do know’ (instead of ‘I don’t know’) and see what happens. Call the things for what they are. You do know why you did not get that promotion. You do know why that person did not call you back. You do know why your clothes are a little tighter.
Everyone makes decisions with the information they have at the time. We could have an educated guess of what the outcome would be. It is only that: an educated guess, not a certainty. The reality will be materialized once we take that action (or not – inaction could be part of the implementation). So, to have hindsight we need something to look back at. And remember we usually regret the things we didn’t do over the things we did even if the outcome was not what we expected.
The answer to all questions lies within. We already have experience and knowledge. There is a network of information and experts at our disposal. Our sage is capable of taking calm, clear, laser-focused action without worrying about the outcome.
What was the result of your experiment of saying ‘I do know’ for a period of time? Please, let us know in the comments.
As a leadership coach, I enable talent to achieve bold goals with high standards. My mission is to empower underrepresented women in the financial industry transition from mid to senior level leadership positions using mental fitness to achieve peak performance, peace of mind, and healthier relationships.